


In the Dark

by Lisa8



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-23
Updated: 2015-12-01
Packaged: 2018-05-03 02:21:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5272928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lisa8/pseuds/Lisa8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four years ago, Mamoru left Usagi brokenhearted. Now, one phone call is enough to shatter his new, seemingly perfect existence, awashing him in confusion as forbidden memories flood his brain, reminding him of the only love he will ever know...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In the Dark Chapter 1

Title: In the Dark

Author: Lisa

Rating: PG

_Author's Notes: Hello! After a lengthy hiatus, I'm back to present you with my newest angst-fic. This story was written during my "dark," more mature turn; I had grown tired of writing/reading pure fluff, and wanted to create a more serious story. This story's emphasis is on the emotions: inner turmoil, insecurity... It is in Mamoru's p.o.v. throughout. I hope you will enjoy this piece as much as my mindless fluff ones. As always, feedback is greatly appreciated. Thanks!_

_Disclaimers: Sailor Moon and the others don't belong to me, but this story does. The title for this fanfic, "In the Dark," was borrowed from the television series "Angel" (season 1, episode 3), which belongs to its respective companies._

* * *

The alarm clock, with its red numbers faded from years of use, read exactly five in the morning when I received the call. Two rings passed before I registered the sound that had pierced through my dreamless slumber. My right eye opened a fraction and squinted from lack of light. I groaned and flipped to my left side, willing the incessant rings to cease. By its sixth ring, however, my silent protestation proved futile, and I surrendered to the determined caller. My fingers bumped the marble exterior of the cordless phone. I gripped it tightly before it skated from my grasp as a free hand went to restore my vision.

"Hello?"

My voice was gruff and slurred with sleep. A hint of frustration could be detected upon close inspection. My throat felt as dry as a desert. I downed the half-empty glass of water resting on the bedside table with one quick gulp and, clearing my voice, tried again. "Hello?"

The somber silence persisted. I peered at my clock once more: five minutes past five, and sleep was steadily fleeing my somnolent eyes. Irritation, closely trailed by its companion, anger, formed swiftly and engulfed me. I ground my teeth and began drumming my fingers along the rim of the glass, allowing the rhythmic beat to placate my increasing temper. Patience had never been one of my virtues; I acknowledged the flaw openly nowadays.

"Look, if you're not speaking, don't bother calling again," I near-shouted into the receiver and shoved it forcefully from my ear in repulsion.

"Ma—Mamoru-san?"

That voice…I started aghast and dropped the telephone like it'd burnt me. In a way, it inflicted something other than literal pain….worse even.

Time had caused her voice to undergo a small metamorphosis. It had become a touch deeper, more mature, transformed by age and experience. Those changes didn't keep me from recognizing the owner. Quite the opposite…I identified the speaker instantly, and no sooner was I driven into indecision. My mind instructed me to travel the uncomplicated road. I could refuse to respond, merely replace the phone to its stand, pretend she had never called, and continue with my life as if the past hadn't arrived to haunt me. Yet my heart…I couldn't comprehend the myriad of jumbled messages radiating inside. Could I face her, an embodiment of all I'd moved on from?

"Mamoru-san? Are—are you there?"

I unconsciously secured the grasp on the phone and ended the internal struggle for domination brewing within me. My mouth opened to speak, but nothing came out.

"Yeah…Hai…I'm here, Rei," I managed at length. The words that rolled off my tongue felt so foreign, so…forced. I hadn't spoken in Japanese for so long and my native tongue, it seemed, had grown foreign to me. She didn't notice my stumbles, or at least voiced no comment concerning the matter. I felt a strange sense of relief from that simple gesture.

"What…what time is it there?" Her voice was so distant, careful, as if I were a youma poised to strike without warning. The trust we had once shared was buried too far into the past to be salvaged. I smiled bitterly and accepted her need for space before satisfying her with an answer.

"A little past five."

Although the words slowly returned, I still couldn't speak with the innate grace of the native speaker that I was.

"In the morning?"

"Hai."

"Gomen," she apologized quickly, "for calling you so early…I forgot all about the time difference…" I cringed visibly.

"Don't be," I chided softly, perhaps dismissing the sincerity of her apology.

An unsettling, pregnant pause ensued. A full two minutes passed before I realized I had to start the conversation.

"Why did you call?" I demanded, spitefulness underlying my question. The caustic words were twined with affliction. I knew that she understood the subtle meaning, but the attack was hurtful nonetheless. Suddenly, I became clear about the reasons behind her reservations. Even though she had never once hurt me, I now purposely sought to inflict pain upon her. What conniving monstrosity had I become?

"I…"

"I'm sorry," I amended hastily, desperately seeking even ground. The last thing we needed was to add more strain to the already uptight atmosphere. Now who was the one saying sorry? I would've laughed at the irony of it all if a stone lump hadn't abruptly formed in my throat. I never knew Rei to be so evasive.

"I found your number in Usagi-chan's room…a bookmark, if you can believe that…after all these years." A shaky laugh punctuated her sentence. I closed my eyes at the mention of _her_ name and found myself walking toward the small rectangular window. I drew open the shades. The waning moon's pale glow offered streaks of light that combated the shadows dancing about my room. Though Rei continued, I hardly heard her, drowning in my own thoughts. "…but you had moved from your old place, and we…the girls and I…that is, had to track you down…it took forever…"

Usagi…the name belonged to a stranger. How long had it been since she crossed my mind? Two years—more even? I vaguely pictured her in my mind: her hair thoughtfully stacked upon her small head in two 'odangos,' as I'd called them, with streams of golden silk that flowed down to her ankles, sapphire eyes, and lips the color of full-bloom pink roses blessed by spring. My memory of her remained unchanged. I would forever see her as the fourteen-year-old girl who played video games at the arcade where Motoki worked…the girl who had attempted to save me from the darkness.

She had been almost fifteen when I left Tokyo…left her with bitter tears marring her flushed cheeks. How old was she now? Eighteen perhaps. No, I reasoned, not quite; her birthday was in the end of June, if I recalled correctly. Had she further blossomed into a remarkable beauty?

"Gomen…" That same apology. It delivered me from my musings, and I struggled to concentrate on Rei's voice. It was then I noticed the muffled sobs from the other end. I had never heard Rei break down until that instant. She had seemed imperturbable to me, with an uncanny ability to allow emotions not to get the better of her. Her broken composure revealed the gravity of her call. I couldn't suppress the memory of happier times from bombarding my mind, when she would joke and tease endlessly, spouting nonsense words and laughing heartily. Her personality had changed greatly since I left. Overwhelming grief radiated from her tone rather than the infectious joy Rei had acquired from... _her_. I knew the reason behind her call well before she spoke the words. Only one person could elicit such a reaction from the fiery senshi of Mars…

Usagi. Rei had tried to conceal her admiration for Usagi through outward dislike, but in the end the pair had become close friends. I had watched their friendship bloom as senshi sharing a common destiny and as normal girls teetering on the brink of adulthood. In my absence, their friendship had unquestionably grown stronger.

"It's Usagi-chan…" I pictured Usagi slammed against the unmerciful pavement, her lithe body twisted into unnatural angles, and streams of blood pooling and staining the ground crimson beneath her. A wave of nausea swept though me, leaving me dizzy and breathless. I pumped air greedily into my lungs, big gasping breaths to calm my drumming heart. Flashes of Usagi laughing, her eyes full of love and compassion as they caressed my own, and her bubbly, never-pessimistic attitude presented themselves like a slideshow in my brain. Numerous once-repressed memories flooded back and hurled me into a turbulence of emotions, threatening to submerge me into an abyss of despair.

I resisted and fought back with unparalleled intensity and determination. I couldn't allow myself to feel for her again, I just…I couldn't. I won in the end, and Usagi's predicament garnered little outward effect from me. It was the only way to make Rei see. I had to…I needed to show her that I'd moved on. Usagi was no longer my concern; she occupied neither my heart nor my dreams.

"Oh? What of her?" I asked dismissively, as if referring to a distant acquaintance whose affairs affected me little—if any.

She took note of my tone—the casual interest, a hint of arrogance and blatant disrespect for the person being discussed—and hesitated before answering.

"Usagi-chan…she's…"

She pronounced the name with such agonizing grief that could moisten anyone's eyes. But not mine. I held firm to my composure and squeezed my eyes shut.

"Was it a youma?" I heard myself ask softly before considering the repercussions, another recent flaw to my personality. The question was wrongfully asked on several levels. I needn't pry Rei for information, as this conversation was painful and awkward enough for her as it was. It would also lead her to think that I cared more for Usagi than I let on, and I couldn't allow her to believe that. Finally...I wanted to be spared the gruesome details. I regretted the question as soon as it slipped from my mouth.

"You don't have to tell me," I said quickly, secretly hoping that she wouldn't.

Rei did anyway. "She's been in a car accident…"

Car accident… My mind wandered two days back to Monday morning, when I was suddenly taken aback by a weird sensation in my stomach. The feeling compared to literal butterflies dancing inside me, their weightless, benign wings stirring to life a portion of myself that had long been dormant. The tickle disappeared a second later, and I had brushed the feeling off for hunger. After all, I hadn't eaten for eight hours. An English paper with a pressing due date had occupied my time. I hadn't experienced that fluttering for so long, that alluring and mysterious feeling.

Now, it called to me. I didn't want to answer, to even hear its plea. But I couldn't help wondering…did the feeling come because of our bond? Not that it mattered, for I was certain our connection had long been severed. My growing interest won in the end.

"Rei…" I started, disguising my voice to one that echoed of little interest, "how long ago was it…the accident, I mean… When?"

She sniffled loudly. "I…it was a few days ago." Her reply was useless to me. A few was too vague. Two, three, even four days could be considered a 'few.' To my dismay, my heart raced. Was I that desperate to learn the answer? Her silence became unbearable as I consciously reminded myself to breathe, fearing for my sanity all the while.

"How long?" I persisted breathlessly.

"Does it matter?" Her voice betrayed her confusion, her peeking curiosity. I regained my composure and silently scolded myself for the small emotional outburst.

"I want to know. And no, I guess it…it doesn't really matter."

"All right," she sighed. "It was two nights ago...Monday night. I'll never forget when Ami-chan called me from the hospital." Another sob resounded like thunder in my ears. "She's been volunteering at the Tokyo General," Rei explained as an afterthought. A trace of a smile touched my lips. I had always figured that the shy, blue-haired girl would pursue her medical career. Then her answer hit me. Monday night…I had received the feeling that morning.

More proof that our bond had died throughout the years. I had always used to be curious about the workings of our mysterious link. Whenever evil or danger presented itself to Usagi, I would feel it…inside…an urgent stir that would push me to her aid. It would throw me, elicit a response in my core that nothing else could create or be equal to. Usagi had insisted that it was our "soul mate bond" and dared anyone to convince her otherwise. I would chuckle, brushing her heartfelt explanation aside by changing the topic of conversation or by offering to buy her a double-chocolate milkshake from the arcade while I secretly thrilled at being given the chance to share such intimacy with my love. I never relayed my joy to her back when I was young, foolish, and love-struck; Usagi always did. Her open affection warmed my cold heart more than anything else ever could.

I shook my head and gathered my racing thoughts. Over time, I suppose, it had faded, as our love had. Our bond had withered like a rose picked off the bush at the height of its flourish. It was all the closure I needed to confirm that I was indeed over Usagi. I hardly heard Rei's next words; I was too occupied with my own revelations.

"Mamoru-san, she…she needs to see you. Usagi-chan…she's slipping…I—I can feel it. And how I wish that I wasn't given the power to sense that… She's living one minute, physically fine… She's doing better in school, trying harder." She sounded so proud…

"And…her grades are slowly improving. She's long accepted her destiny…and she's strong, Mamoru-san, she's so strong."

I gave a pathetic imitation of a laugh and adopted an unconcerned air.

"And what do you want me to do about it, Rei? Rescue her? Be her prince in shining armor?"

"No, I…" She spoke after a few minutes of deliberation. I pictured Rei drawing her knees protectively against her chest, her frame curled into a helpless ball of uncontrollable agony. I only added salt to her wound. She didn't deserve this; neither did Usagi. But if Rei thought for a second that I would willingly go to Japan, she was sadly mistaken.

"How could this happen to her? She doesn't deserve to die, after all the good she's done, all the lives she's helped, everyone she's saved…"

"It's not fair," I finished her statement.

"Iie, it's not. But you know what Usagi-chan would say?" She didn't bother to await my response…I didn't have one for her if she did. "She would smile and tell us to not lose hope. To…to cherish the beautiful things in life and cope with the darkness…with death. Please, Mamoru-san…"

"Usagi doesn't need me. We fell out of love, Rei. It happens. I'm sorry that this happened to Usagi, but…do you really expect me to drop everything I've gained in this life and run to her? To plant lies in her head so she can…" I hesitated. Even now I couldn't say the word. "…can…leave happy? To tell her I love her?" I didn't mean to place so much ridicule in my tone; I really didn't. Rei drew in a sharp breath at the other end. "You can't ask me for this, Rei." My voice dropped to an almost inaudible volume. "You know better than that…"

"Do I?"

"Rei…I left her, remember?"

"Hai, you did…under the pretense of several illogical excuses that Usagi-chan still doesn't understand to this day! Maybe you fell out of love, though I can assure you that Usagi-chan never did. Does that make your heart sing, to know that she suffers daily by your hand?" She sounded so remarkably composed, but there was something laced in her voice that made me freeze inside. I shivered and pulled the blanket up to cover my chest, drawing on its warmth and protection like a frightened child on a stormy night. "You left her," she scoffed. "Do you want to know how miserable Usagi-chan has been these past four years? Is that what you want to hear? Can you even imagine how much she's had to deal with?"

The priestess continued her rampage, growing evermore passionate in defense of her friend. "I can count the number of times she's gone on a date with one hand! She loved you with everything she had…even if she was still young, too young, some…no, most might say, to experience genuine love. Usagi-chan knew that she would love you all her life. When you left…a part of her…a significant part…you took that with you, and she…" She choked on the words, the fight leaving her body. "She's never gotten it back. She's miserable…inside…but she tries to hide it from us…she tries so hard."

"Rei, stop," I said faintly.

"Please…for the love I know you once had for her…for the love she still has for you…" She dared to venture into a territory where unknown dangers and a world of heartbreak lay hidden! Somewhere, in the deep recesses of my heart…part of me acknowledged her plea. An absurd notion intruded my brain. It reasoned that perhaps I needed to do this, to bid Usagi a final farewell so that she could rest peacefully.

The moment flashed by as rapidly as it had appeared; I stood firm with my decision to stay here. Where I belonged.

"Iie, I have so much…I've just started a relationship with a wonderful girl…"

"You've moved on." She sounded faintly shocked, as if she had expected me to spend my existence pining for Usagi as, according to Rei, Usagi did for me. Wasn't it obvious that I had moved on? Had we not spent the last quarter hour addressing that fact? It took her a few seconds to recover. "I'm not asking you to live in Japan again…only to spend a few hours here…talk to her again… She's hanging on for you…"

"I can't."

An unsettling tension clouded the room following my declaration. The thick blanket wound its way around and suffocated me. I felt as if my heart would burst inside my chest again.

"Right. Right, you can't." A bitter laugh followed suit. "Well, you just live your perfect life then," she spat venomously. "Mako-chan was right. She said you'd never agree. Even Minako-chan, hopeless romantic and true believer that she is, told me I was pursuing a fruitless cause. I…I can't believe I defended you…I told them that you once loved her enough to give her this…" She paused before delivering her last calculated blow. "You really have changed, Mamoru." She deliberately emphasized my name.

"Maybe you never knew me in the first place," I countered, matching her anger with shocking calm while my blood boiled in my veins.

"Maybe I didn't," she conceded, her icy tone lingering, "but Usagi-chan did. Don't dare try and argue with that." I didn't. What would be the use? "She loved…loves you with her very being…and you've forgotten her. You've forgotten the one girl who loves you more than anything."

The dial tone hummed an eternity in my ear before I crushed the used device until it almost cracked beneath my quivering hands. A roar ripped from my throat as I hurled it across the room. The phone crashed against the wall with a loud thud. My hands balled into fists, I bit my bottom lip until it bled and I tasted the blood, the coppery richness that overflowed my mouth and overwhelmed my senses. I dragged myself toward the bed with stiff legs and slipped beneath the covers, mechanical actions perfected by repetition.

Yet the mattress I'd slept upon a hundred times squeaked and groaned against my weight. It was too firm to my liking and the blanket too thin to barricade the cold from claiming my body. I shivered and lay there, staring blankly at the pastel ceiling: a vast sky of white, unmoving. The clock read half past five. Another hour and a half remained before class began. I bitterly calculated the time I had slept, which amounted to a tad over three hours.

The red letters changed to five thirty-one, then thirty-two. Each minute that passed seemed to last forever. It was then, as I lay awkwardly upon the wood-hard bed, that I remembered the day's worth of time difference, something around twelve hours, between my home and Japan. What did that mean? Did Usagi and I still share a connection? I shook my head in denial. No, that couldn't possibly be true. I pondered the matter before brushing it off as mere coincidence that Usagi's accident occurred around the same time as the fluttering in my stomach.

I groaned, wiped furiously at my now bloodshot eyes, and banished all coherent thought from my mind. My head began to ache, a dull throbbing that rapidly intensified to a sharp pain. I struggled to get comfortable: turning this way and that, securely tucking the blanket around my body, even rearranging my pillow. But there was no use trying to fall back asleep. I couldn't enter the realm of unconsciousness no matter the effort that I spent trying.

* * *

_I am slowly trying to add my older stuff - stay tuned! :)  
_


	2. In the Dark Chapter Two

Title: In the Dark

Author: Lisa

Chapter: 2

Rating: PG

Author's Notes:

_Hello! Here's chapter 2!  
_

Disclaimers: Sailor Moon and the others don't belong to me, but this story does.

* * *

At six thirty, the earliest rays of sunlight drove away any lingering traces of night. Sometime in the midst of the hour I'd spent staring fixedly into nothingness, my anger had calmed and rational thought had replaced it. I cringed slightly, recalling the blows Rei and I dealt each other, our cold exchanges and harsh tones, lashing out instead of reaching an understanding. Perhaps that was best, I resolved. Yes, it was. Now Rei knew exactly how I felt about…Usagi. Her name slipped easily into my musings, as if trying to plant guilt in me. I sighed. Must she haunt me still?

Two years ago I had promised myself to never reflect upon, speak, or write her name by any means. I held faithfully to that personal vow until today, fueled by a steadfast determination to forget her altogether. And how simpler life had been without that complication! Every time she entered my thoughts, I would recall our last meeting. She'd resembled a crushed flower that cold, cold morning; one I'd heartlessly grinded beneath my heel. Tears had overflowed from her eyes like an endless waterfall as she pleaded for me to stay…

I groaned in frustration and buried my head beneath the pillow. Why could she not have moved on, as I have? Why did she insist on clinging to the fading past? The clock now read quarter till seven. I sat up in surprise. I would be late to class! Muttering angrily under my breath for losing track of time, I bolted from the bed and began my daily morning routine with lightning speed. After quickly devouring a few handfuls of dry cereal, I examined my ruffled appearance from the bathroom mirror and realized I couldn't go out looking so ragged. My weary expression and chapped lips further emphasized the dark circles underneath my eyes. I looked pitiful, and class began in less than fifteen minutes.

I debated on missing the first half hour, as more than sixty students were in the literature course. The professor would certainly not notice my absence. The option seemed promising. I grabbed a clean towel from my room and turned on the water until it steamed. I splashed it again and again over my face. Warmth crept swiftly into my body. I savored it and sought to retain it for as long as I could.

When the water began to turn lukewarm, I turned it off, silently berating myself for wasting so much. The shower had worked wonders. I felt refreshed and ready to tackle the day with renewed vigor. Missing a half hour of lecture, which I found lackluster anyway, was a small price to pay for my newfound energy. I secured the black towel around my waist and stepped into the hallway. The cold came as fast as the warmth had, attacking my body with its icy fingers. I shivered.

"Hey," a voice called from the other room. My initial reaction was of shock, before a lazy smile formed on my lips and lifted the corners of my mouth ever so slightly.

"Hey," I replied back, at the same time unconsciously gripping the towel even tighter around my waist. "I thought you'd be in class by now."

She grinned and strode over to me with ease, as if this were her home too. In a way, it was. Her book bag lay forgotten on the sofa. "I was hoping I could walk you there."

I chuckled delightfully. Anna never ceased to make me laugh, a quality that I found most comforting.

"Isn't that my job?" I countered smoothly, feigning offense.

Her smile grew teasing, and her blue eyes sparkled mischievously.

"Only if you say so."

"Well, I do."

Anna stopped some inches apart, and I could hear her faint breaths. She stared at my half-naked form with growing amusement. "Maybe I should come by more often…" She placed her palm against my chest and caressed my skin gently. My muscles tensed despite my best efforts to remain relaxed. She then dropped her hand quickly, as if our contact had burnt her, embarrassed by her forwardness. That shy flicker was gone as she rose up on tiptoe and caught my lips in a gentle kiss. Her lips felt soft and tasted sweet pressed against mine. I returned her gesture equally until we were both rendered breathless. She beamed beatifically.

"Get dressed, Mamoru," Anna said with a light slap on my shoulder. "I'll wait for you."

I stood, transfixed, as she plopped onto the sofa with a happy sigh, and touched my lips again, the pressure of hers against my own fresh in my mind. She and I had kissed a few times before, though each time felt like the first. Always new…different. I exhaled a shaky breath. Different from what?

We'd been dating for over a month now, though were friends for years prior. Our few dates were squeezed amidst conflicting schedules and strenuous courses. I met her my sophomore year in college. She'd recently moved from California: a small, lively freshman with golden blond tresses and warm, compassionate blue eyes. Her eyes were what first drew me to her. When we met by accident (I'd clumsily knocked over her books in my haste to get to class), I first caught her eyes. They reminded me so greatly of Usagi that, for a second, I remembered thinking…frantically hoping…that it _was_ her.

Then, the bare contemplation of Usagi's name brought much pain. For months on end I could not so much as look at Anna without seeing _her_. But I never relayed my struggles up front. Upon her questioning, I told her that I was introverted and slow to trust. She had accepted my answer without complaint, but it was obvious that it wasn't the real reason. To this day, I still hadn't told her about the spirited young woman I knew as Usagi Tsukino.

Somehow, I'd managed to push past her physical resemblance to Usagi. We became friends and gradually, I stopped thinking of Usagi every time I saw her beaming face. I was hurting and sought companionship, and she wanted a confidant. We were a perfect match of lonely souls.

But I was not aware that our easy friendship would result in love. When she shyly confessed her growing feelings for me over microwave dinners in the beginning of November, I'd felt scared and cornered. If I refused, our natural camaraderie would be ruined. If I consented, it wouldn't be fair to her. Anna was beautiful, with her long, flowing hair, creamy skin, and slender figure. Her personality was even more likable. She could undoubtedly find a man who could fully return her ardor. I prepared to tell her this. In fact, I had every intention. But she pinned me with those imploring blue eyes, searching for the passage into my soul, and I knew I couldn't reject her. I assured myself that I would fall in love with Anna, given time…much time.

"Mamoru? How long does it take for you to get dressed?"

I buttoned the shirt with swift fingers before running a quick hand through my muss of half-dried ebony hair. "Coming," I shouted from the bedroom and grabbed my jacket. I turned to leave the room when something caught my eye. The phone… It lay discarded beside the bedroom door when I'd thrown it halfway across the room in an impulsive display of anger. I knelt and picked it up, fingering the scratch that ran across the entire length of its back. Rei's words came flooding back. _"You really have changed, Mamoru_." The way she'd said it, as if I disgusted her, bothered me more than I'd like.

"Mamo?"

My head shot up, and I hastily replaced the phone before the word hit me. I froze.

"What…what did you call me?"

My expression must've been grim, or perhaps she sensed the tension radiating from my body. Her smile waned in response.

"I'm sorry if you don't like it…a nickname, I guess," she answered uncertainly. "I'd been debating whether or not to call you that for…" she laughed, her gaze skyward, "oh…ages now."

"I…I would prefer you call me Mamoru," I said gently, my voice apologetic for snapping at her. "Just Mamoru's fine."

"Alright," she consented, her playful mood and good humor returning. "You never were into pet names."

If only she knew… _"Mamo-chan…"_ I froze, wanting to shout for thinking of _her_ again. Several times today I had vowed not to think of her, and each time I'd broken the silent oath. I kept my face a mask of calm, plastering a comforting smile on my face. "Not anymore," I replied weakly, hoping she wouldn't question me further. I hadn't the strength to answer her if she did. But Anna was never one to push. She nodded thoughtfully, perhaps searching for some hidden message in my reply, and promptly dropped the issue. "Not anymore…"

I wrapped am arm around her small shoulders and tried to banish the entire ordeal from my mind. It didn't work. I grabbed onto Anna tighter. She looked at me questioningly, a small dash of confusion clouding her face. I gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze, and she relaxed into my embrace. We grabbed our books, and I shut the door softly behind us...

We walked side-by-side in a relaxed silence as snow fell gently around us. I smiled and breathed in the cold air, reveling in the serenity of the morning. I didn't mind the freezing weather so much; living here for four years had definitely accustomed me to it. The coldness, not unlike the occasional harsh winter in Tokyo, suited me. I secretly glanced at Anna as we walked along, her natural beauty accented by the snow that landed about her, and took her in remarkable profile. I was blessed to have such a wonderful friend, I realized. I sighed contentedly, my previous troubles nearly forgotten, when Anna giggled.

"What?" I asked good-naturedly.

"You don't have to keep doing that, you know," she said before turning to face me. I didn't have to look at her to know that her eyes were sparkling mischievously.

By now I was thoroughly confused. What had I been doing? "Doing what?"

She only shook her head amusedly. "Sneaking glances at me," she then bluntly informed me, "after all, I _am_ your girlfriend now. You, as my boyfriend, have my permission to stare lovingly at me for as long as you like! Now, aren't you lucky?" She ended her speech by giggling again, as giddy as a schoolgirl. I stiffened at the word 'girlfriend' but quickly hid my discomfort with a faint chuckle. She was still gazing at me, delight written plainly on her features. Anna never masked her emotions. When I finally braved a glance at her eyes, they were almost too blue for me to stand. I averted my gaze and instead focused on the snow-covered sidewalk.

"Of course. How could I forget?"

But I had forgotten; I was always forgetting. A month of dating wasn't enough time for me to get used to thinking of Anna as my girlfriend, when she had been my best friend for so long. 'Will I ever?' I mused as guilt poured into me. I widened the distance between us, hoping to relieve my growing tension. A dreadful feeling had begun to settle at the pit of my stomach and, to my dismay, lingered there. I belatedly recognized it as panic. I drew in the cold air, trying to relieve my fraught nerves and to understand why I was feeling this way. Anna, whose company I cherished above all, was now causing me unease.

Was one phone call so powerful as to turn my entire world askew?

She slapped me playfully on the arm, a welcome distraction given the dark, dangerous turn of my thoughts, and skipped ahead of me, her rosy face flushed with excitement. She laughed and caught the snowflakes as they cascaded about her with her tongue. As she twirled about ecstatically, she resembled an innocent child introduced to snow for the first time. I couldn't deny it—in some ways, Anna _was_ like pure snow, untainted by tragedy. She was born into a privileged family who had sheltered her from cruel reality and had granted her every wish. As a result, she had come here with a rosier view of the world than I, who had been raised in a dingy orphanage void of love and compassion. We were a mismatched couple, one could say, but according to an old adage, "opposites attract." And something about Anna—aside from her physical appearance—something I couldn't identify even to this day, attracted me to her from the outset. I laughed—her happiness was quite infectious even under present circumstances—though refused to join her.

"I love the snow," she grinned before falling in stride with me, temporarily subdued.

"I do too," I stated honestly. "It calms me."

 _She_ loved the snow as well. _She_ would always…

Somehow, I resisted the great urge to scream.

Sometime during our trek to the English building, Anna's hand found mine. Her long fingers curled around my own and latched onto them tightly. They nearly rivaled mine in size, surprising for such a petite woman. My palm grew sweaty and as we approached our destination, I casually pulled my hand away, praying that she wouldn't notice. I held the door open for her, but she didn't enter—only smirked at my gentlemanly gesture. Instead, she cast furtive glances to make sure we were alone and pressed urgent kisses all over my face, so uncharacteristic of her usual chastity.

After a couple minutes, I grew uncomfortable at her persistence. I broke our present kiss and stepped back, allowing the distance to shield me from her affection. Her breath came in small puffs that quickly vanished in the air. We stood there wordlessly, covered with snow, trembling and unable to speak. Her smile lingered, but her eyes belied her disappointment. Anna was beginning to want more out of our relationship, I recognized; she had every right to, after all. She was my _girlfriend_. Emphasizing the word, however, did little to accustom me to it.

She finally broke the silence and ignored my obvious anxiety.

"Mm, how about we skip classes for today?" She suggested slyly. "We could go and watch a movie. It's a week since we went out on a date."

I began to relax once I caught her casual tone. Anna was trying so hard to not take offense to my reluctance. "I know," I replied warmly, seeking common ground. I brushed a strand of her hair from her eyes and tucked it behind her ear. "I'll make it up to you, I promise. But the semester is ending in a matter of days. With finals approaching, skipping wouldn't be the wisest decision."

"Always rational," she scoffed in mock irritation.

"That's me." I stroked her cheek and began to enter the building.

"Mamoru, wait!" She called and took hold of my wrist. I turned around and met her concerned gaze.

"Anna?"

"Is…is there something wrong?" I froze. Did she suspect…no, she couldn't possibly…please, please don't let her assume…

"No," I replied, skillfully keeping my face expressionless, a mask of calm…a look I'd perfected over the years. "Why?"

"I—" She shook her head, as if berating herself for being irrational. "You just seem…I don't know…different somehow…distant…maybe I'm overacting, probably due to finals, but…"

My mouth had suddenly gone dry. I swallowed, trying to dismiss the unsettling sensation in my stomach. "Nothing's wrong," I assured her evenly, with an ease that surprised me, "no need to worry." I blamed my present behavior to the stress of exams, which she seemed to buy reluctantly. Her eyes shone with uncertainty, and I looked away before guilt consumed me. I hated having to lie to Anna, for lasting relationships could not be built from such a weak foundation. But why distress her over Usagi's predicament? Telling her about my past love would certainly put an unneeded strain to our relationship.

"Come on," I said gently, once again opening the door for her. A blast of warm air rushed at us, along with the faint scents of aged wood and morning coffee. She stood motionless.

"Mamoru…you know you can tell me anything, right? No secrets?"

Once again her eyes tried to decipher me; I refused to look at her. "I know, Anna. I appreciate that very much."

"Then why…" She sounded tired and frustrated. "Forget it."

But inside I knew that neither she nor I would, as she so aptly put it, "forget it." She walked inside the dimly lit building, and I followed suit.

* * *

_I am trying to clean the chapters up a bit from the original as I post. Promise not to delay things too much!  
_


	3. In the Dark Chapter 3

_Title: In the Dark_

_Author: Lisa_

_Chapter: 3_

_Rating: PG_

_Disclaimer: Sailor Moon and the others don't belong to me, but this story does._

* * *

We stood by the door to the classroom, neither wishing to make the first move. Anna bit her bottom lip and focused her smiling eyes to my face.

"You know," she said dryly, "it's still not too late to skip. I mean, did you even finish the assigned reading?"

I flushed with embarrassment at my irresponsibility—as always, Anna knew me too well—before squarely matching her teasing gaze.

"Did you?"

"Of course," she replied nonchalantly, but her wink suggested otherwise. She turned the doorknob, and I drew in a breath, mentally preparing myself for an hour of boredom.

"…Hawthorne's unique style is exemplified in the reading for today..."

Five steps in, and I already regretted not taking up Anna's offer of skipping. I groaned, and Anna flashed me a look that clearly stated 'I told you so.' We took our seats near the back of the room and fished out our paperbacks. Mark, a mutual friend, flashed us a grin that I was certain was more meant for Anna.

"Finally," he whispered, "I thought I'd have to suffer alone." I sighed and opened my book, gloomily smoothing a frayed page.

"And what about the rosebush in front of the prison? What is its symbolic nature?"

"It represents hope," one student offered.

Roses…another unpleasant reminder of my past life. My hands unconsciously clenched into fists. Nothing, it seemed, was going my way today.

Lost in my thoughts, I started with surprise when I felt something fall onto my lap. A quick inspection revealed a small wad of paper. I turned curious eyes toward Anna. Her face was uncharacteristically stoic, but the slight twitch of her lips—undoubtedly her attempt at biting back a smile—gave her away. I cast a furtive glance at our professor before opening the slip of paper.

_Let's do something after class._

I nearly laughed out loud…leave it Anna to pass notes as if we were still in grade school. My only response was to jot down a line of notes, my not-so-subtle hint for her to pay attention to the lecture as well. She nudged my shoulder, no doubt wishing me to play along. I considered my schedule. Since I had no other classes or work today, I decided that I could afford to take a short break.

_Alright. Coffee at that café we like?_

She raised one eyebrow and quickly tore another corner from her page of sparse notes.

_Like you don't drink enough coffee already. Though we haven't been there in awhile._

Her idea of awhile was less than a week; the café was practically our second home.

_So it's settled._

She smiled openly, and I smiled back.

_Coffee for you. I'm more in the mood for something sweeter...maybe one of those peppermint chocolate milkshakes I keep hearing about._

The smile instantly fell from my lips. Her eyes were laughing, with seemingly not a care in the world...never mind that finals were just around the corner. I tried to return the gesture, but my head was spinning.

Milkshakes.

I never could get used to their overwhelming sweetness. I had long preferred a stronger drink—coffee—and I liked it black, because I found the bitterness much easier to swallow.

Then _her_ voice began resounding in my ears: "Triple chocolate extra thick milkshake please! Oh, and with whipped cream on top!"

My ears next registered a distant ringing sound, and _her_ radiant face appeared before my eyes before I had a chance to reign in my subconscious.

" _Mamo-chan, I have no idea how you can drink that stuff."_

_Usagi made a face at my steaming cup as I took a large sip. Once I set the cup down, she pulled it across the table and took a whiff, as if inspecting its contents. "Smells horrible too."_

_I chuckled at her scrunched-up face, wondering how Usagi could make any mundane action adorable. But I suppose I was a little biased in that regard. She could be doing anything or nothing at all, and I would still find her irresistible._

" _I could say the same about your milkshake," was my calm reply as I pointed to the mountain of chocolate ice cream crammed into a glass that rivaled the length of her arm, which she insisted was a drink._

_She frowned. "Everyone likes chocolate, Mamo-chan," she argued, "even you! You always have chocolate around your apartment when I visit."_

_I considered pointing out to her that the only reason I had chocolate on hand was_ _**because** _ _she visited. Yet she seemed so happy at her victory that I just smiled and admitted defeat._

" _You're right, Usako."_

_Usagi took a few triumphant gulps of her shake, and I nursed my coffee, content just to watch her enjoyment. She flushed under my gaze but returned it with such unabashed affection that I had to look away. I again marveled at how such a small person could carry so much love within her…and more importantly, could give that love to me._

_I pulled her shake toward me and took a sip, the sugary substance leaving a cool yet pleasing trail down my throat. How Usagi could drink one—sometimes even two—a day, however, would never cease to baffle me._

_She watched my movements with open surprise. "Mamo-chan…?"_

" _Sometimes you just need a little sweetness in your life," I said simply by way of explanation._

" _Hai!" She agreed enthusiastically before polishing off the rest of her milkshake at record speed. That was my Usako—she could never do anything plainly, even if she tried._

_She didn't understand, perhaps, that I was referring to her. She was my sweetness, that tantalizing taste of pure nectar that made the rest of the bitterness bearable._

An expertly thrown wad of paper again snapped me out of my thoughts. I looked down and found not one but three wads in my lap.

_Maybe we can study for a bit at the café too._

_Mamoru, are you okay? You look a little pale._

_Mamoru?_

I hastily crumbled the notes in my hand, but before I could respond, class had ended.

"Sorry about that," I said to Anna as we stuffed our materials into our book bags, "I couldn't really sleep last night…I guess I'm more tired than I thought."

"It's alright. It's just…one minute you were smiling at your notes and the next, I don't know. I was a bit…" She didn't finish her sentence, but I understood her meaning. My behavior was scaring her; it was scaring me too.

"Just need some coffee, that's all. You know how I am without my coffee."

We were outside again, and I breathed in the icy air, comforted by the cold. Anna slid her slender arm through mine and squeezed it gently. "Let's go then."

We walked in silence. I wanted to apologize, to explain—but how do you explain your past to your future without belittling one or causing pain to the other? An impossible task for someone who preferred the silence and solitude. Even if that filled my life with misery, then at least I alone suffered under its grasp.

We reached the café doors, and Anna pierced me with her too-blue gaze. She was never one to stay silent. Words usually came as easily to her as they fled from me.

"I—" She trailed off pathetically, frustrated that for once the right words were escaping her grasp.

"Come on," I said kindly. She gazed at the line of customers by the register, her eyes seeming far away, lost in thought. "I'll pay," I offered. It was the least I could do to make up for my strange behavior. My words brought her back to the present, and she grinned.  
"I knew there was a reason I decided to date you."

We ordered our drinks and chose a small booth in the corner of the café, away from the buzz of the other students desperate for their afternoon caffeine boost.

Anna took a sip of her milkshake and expressed her satisfaction with a small sigh of contentment. I took a quick gulp of coffee, hating the feeling of déjà vu that washed over me. Hating the fact that I had to consciously remind myself that it was Anna sitting across from me with those smiling eyes. She really was beautiful, and she was mine. At that moment, I badly wished I could be hers as well.

"Any chance we can catch a movie after this?" She asked for the second time today.

I shook my head apologetically. "You saw me in class today."

"You're right, as always," she said. "Study date at your place then? I'll bring popcorn."

It was hard to refuse Anna; she possessed that natural warmth that drew others toward her, a rare gift.

"Sure, it's a date."

"Great!" She took another long sip of her milkshake, then offered it to me. "I can see why everyone's been getting this. Perfect study boost."

Even from across the table, I caught the scent of vanilla and peppermint. I swallowed involuntarily, suddenly feeling warm.

"No thanks," I said quickly. "You know how I feel about sweets."

"I know, Mr. 'I like my coffee black, thank you very much.'"

I laughed and finished my cup. "I'll expect you after dinner then? I have a few things I need to take care of." I was lying of course, and unfortunately for Anna, getting quite good at it too. There wasn't anything that required my immediate attention, unless you counted brooding in the comforting darkness of my room.

"That's fine." She pulled out her history textbook. "I think I'll do some reading here."

I stood and placed a quick kiss on her cheek. Anna looked like she wanted to speak; her eyes always spoke first, before her mouth formed the actual words. I turned away before she could, because I couldn't bear any more questioning at that moment.

As I had suspected, our "study date" quickly devolved into "movie night," complete with popcorn and hot chocolate (for Anna; true to my roots, I remained partial to tea in the evening). Anna was curled against me, her head perched on my shoulder as was our custom. Our closeness allowed me to feel each breath that she took, the rhythmic movements finally offering me the peace that I had longed for the entire day. It was easy to get lost in Anna, in her softness and warmth, and I knew how lucky I was to have someone like her in my life. It was ironic, I mused, how my darkness consistently attracted such light. It was both my blessing and my curse. The age-old saying that "opposites attract" may hold some truth as far as my life was concerned, but how long would the attraction last before those opposites repelled each other once again? To me, it was as inevitable as our own mortality.

Anna kissed me then, saving me from the rather dark turn my thoughts had taken. Her lips were soft as they moved against mine, filling me with the assurance of her affection that mere words could not achieve. I broke the kiss and pressed her against me.

"It's getting late…do you want me to walk you back to your place?"

"Always a gentleman," she teased, before casting a quick glance at her bag. "Actually, I was hoping I wouldn't have to go back tonight…"

It wasn't as if she'd never stayed the night before. In fact, we'd fallen asleep together on this very sofa more times than I could count with both hands. Yet that was before she'd wanted more than just friendship, before she'd entrusted her heart to my care.

She was staring at me now, waiting for a response, any response.

"Are you sure?" Of all the things I could have said, that was probably the least helpful response. She leaned over and grabbed her bag, gesturing for me to look inside. I recognized her favorite striped pajamas; clearly she had planned this sleepover beforehand.

I had absolutely no logical reason to refuse her, just the feeling of dread that now gripped my insides.

"If you want," I offered weakly.

"No Mamoru, if _you_ want me to," she countered, and against I was speechless. I stood and collected our mugs.

"Sure," I managed finally. Hardly the stamp of approval she wanted, I was sure.

She stayed silent for a moment, and I wondered if she'd changed her mind. Finally, she grabbed her bag. "I'll change then."

"Sure," I repeated. "Let me know if you need anything."

She was already laying in bed by the time I'd finished my nightly routine, her small frame drowning beneath my black sheets. Only her head remained visible, a splash of gold which contrasted prettily against the darkness.

"I think you take longer than me to get ready for bed," she giggled. I remained silent. Normally it was only a couple minutes' work to brush up, but tonight I had spent a seeming eternity lost in my own reflection, hardly recognizing the person staring back at me with blank eyes.

"Insulting me in my own home, you should be ashamed," I teased back. Anything to preserve the semblance of normalcy.

I turned off the lamp and climbed under the covers. Within seconds, Anna's body molded to my own, and I instinctively wrapped an arm around her waist. Pleased with my response, she turned toward me briefly and pressed her warm lips to the curve of my neck.

"Goodnight Mamoru…hope you sleep better tonight." Already her speech was slurring with sleep. Unconsciousness embraced her just moments later.

"Goodnight, Anna."

In the darkness, my mind wandered yet again, and I soon found myself reliving what was then the happiest night of my life.

_Insistent knocking (more like pounding) at my door had drawn me from my physics assignment, which I had been absorbed in for the past two hours. Annoyed, I rose from my dinner table, prepared to unleash my most menacing glare to stop whatever unwelcome visitor from breaking down my door. The glare instantly vanished, however, when a voice next accompanied the determined knocks._

" _Mamo-chan! Open up! It's me!"_

_I opened the door and was rewarded with a hug that almost literally knocked me off my feet. "Usako? What are you doing here?" She ended the hug but kept a firm hold on my right arm._

" _Why Mamo-chan, you're not going to let me in?" She pouted, and I chuckled despite my surprise at finding Usagi outside my door at nine o'clock at night._

" _Come in." I wasn't expecting her today, so I unfortunately didn't have a ready stash of chocolate and sweets to offer her. She plopped down on the sofa and turned on the television as I rummaged my cabinets for something edible._

" _It's okay Mamo-chan, I'm not hungry."_

_I stopped and eyed her suspiciously, not believing my own ears. "You're not?"_

_She patted the seat beside her, and I complied._

" _Not that I'm complaining, believe me," I started carefully, "but you still haven't told me why you're here."_

" _Well, I missed you." She pinned me with those eyes that I loved so much._

" _We saw each other just yesterday," I replied. Although I'd be lying if I said I hadn't missed her in the past day too. I craved my daily fix of sunshine as much as my coffee._

" _If it were up to me, we'd never be apart." She looked down and shyly played with a wisp of golden silk. "But you'd probably just get tired of me."_

" _Never," I vowed, and tipped her chin up to meet my gaze._

" _Oh Mamo-chan!" She propelled herself into my waiting arms, and I kissed her. I would never get used to kissing her, the taste of her…it was probably as close to perfection as I could ever hope to attain._

_Usagi reached down and fumbled with her bag as I fought to keep my emotions in check. She must've fiddled with it for several minutes before curiosity got the best of me._

" _What do you have there, Usako?"_

" _Don't be mad, Mamo-chan," she said, and I immediately braced myself for something horrible. She reached inside and pulled out her pink bunny pajamas. Definitely not what I was expecting. "I kind of told my parents I'd be staying at Rei-chan's for the night…"_

" _Then why are you…oh…" Realization hit me like a cement wall, and I moved a few inches away from her on the sofa, in fear that Kenji would magically appear in my living room. After all, stranger things have happened in my life. "Usako, your father would murder me. He hates me as it is." I swallowed, remembering the look of absolute death I had received from Kenji the one time I had been caught driving Usagi home weeks ago._

_Usagi only laughed. "He doesn't hate you, silly. Besides, I stay over at Rei-chan's all the time. It'll be fine."_

_How did she learn to be so convincing? Already the idea didn't seem half-bad anymore._

" _Are you sure?" I silently pleaded with her to say yes. Even if Kenji killed me afterward, an entire night with Usagi in my arms was well-worth a painful demise._

" _Of course, Mamo-chan." She skipped toward my bathroom with her clothes in her hand, and my heart jumped with anticipation._

_She slept with her hair down, I learned that night. Gone were those odangos I secretly adored, instead replaced by waves of gold that swept gracefully down to her ankles. I was again struck by her beauty, and as she curled contentedly into my embrace, I thanked destiny for making her mine._

" _Mamo-chan? Are you asleep?" she whispered. I smiled and buried my face into her hair._

" _Not yet," I whispered back, tightening my arms around her and reveling in our closeness._

" _Oh." She fell silent once again, and I knew sleep would soon claim her. "Mamo-chan," she mumbled, "aishiteru." I froze, my mind whirling. I wanted to return her words of love, to assure her of my undying devotion, but the words stuck to my throat. I don't remember the last time that I said them to anyone. Maybe I'd never said them before. "You don't have to say anything back," she said after a moment's pause, "I just wanted you to know." Soon after those words hit the night air, she began snoring softly._

_For the first time in years, I felt tears prick the corner of my eyes. I pulled her against me tighter still, hoping that she felt my love through my embrace, if not through my words._

In the darkness, I could barely make out Anna's delicate features, softened with sleep. Her body was still pressed against mine, but no amount of body heat could warm me tonight. I closed my eyes, and _her_ radiant face danced before me, as if taunting me with past regrets. Even more sickening, the words that escaped me years ago now bubbled to the surface, demanding to be released.

"Aishiteru…aishiteru…"

But she was no longer here to hear them.

* * *

_Four more chapters to go!_


	4. In the Dark Chapter 4

_Title: In the Dark_

_Author: Lisa_

_Chapter: 4_

_Rating: PG_

_Disclaimer: Sailor Moon and the others don't belong to me, but this story does._

* * *

Another sleepless night had come and gone.

Beside me, I felt Anna stir and stretch contentedly. _She_ had no trouble falling asleep…wasn't plagued by dreams of what could never be. I quickly closed my eyes and feigned sleep when I felt her turning toward me. She sighed softly before gentle fingers caressed my face and brushed aside the bangs that were forever falling into my eyes.

"Mamoru, time to wake up. You don't want to make another fashionably late entrance to class today, do you?" Class was unfortunately the last thing on my mind at this point. I opened my eyes reluctantly and was met with Anna's well-rested gaze. My eyes must've betrayed me because her grin immediately withered, and she placed a hand on my forehead.

"Are you feeling alright? Hmm…you do feel a little warm."

The perfect out, I realized quickly.

"Maybe that flu that's been circulating around campus has finally caught up with me," I said, and tried my best to look wretched. Not that it was hard to accomplish; I was sick with past memories, a seeming lifetime of memories that made mockery of this new existence I had striven so hard to create.

"My poor Mamoru," she soothed. "You just rest today. You have two classes today, right?" Anna, of course, had memorized both my class and work schedules. "I'll take notes for you for the class we have together, and I'll get Mark to take notes for the other."

"Thanks Anna," I said tiredly. "You're great."

"Don't you forget it," she laughed, then swung herself off the bed in one swift movement and headed toward my bathroom. "You don't mind if I leave my clothes here, do you? Just in case."

I grimaced at the suggestion of future sleepovers, silently thanking the fact she was no longer facing me. "Sure." Hopefully that sounded like I actually approved of the idea.

Anna reappeared a couple minutes later, her hair tied back in a high ponytail, the very definition of effortless perfection. She paused by my bed, and I managed my most reassuring smile.

"I better go. I'll check on you after my classes."

She leaned toward me, and a sudden surge of panic clenched my stomach. I turned away. "We better not. Don't want to get you sick too."

"Oh, right." She settled for a reassuring squeeze of my hand.

The quiet click of the door, signaling her departure, allowed me to release a breath I didn't realize I was holding. I lay back down and pulled the sheets over my head. As a child, it had been so much easier to escape from it all under the comfort of my blankets, as if those layers of cotton could shut out the world. Now, ironically, I had resorted back to such naïve antics. Nothing had changed, yet everything had changed, and it was this thin line between nothing and everything that was infinitely disturbing. I could no longer live in denial: the memory of Usagi was toying with my mind and would all too soon begin toying with my heart as well.

With a groan, I threw aside the blankets and made my way to the kitchen. As the coffee brewed, I pulled out my chemistry textbook. I had always taken comfort in losing myself in my studies. Here was the one area in my life which had never disappointed me and which I nurtured in return, this symbiotic relationship of hard work and resulting self-worth. I had complete control in this single aspect, and I reveled in it. However, given my performance (or lack thereof) these past two days, it now seemed that I was to be denied even my academic success.

It took two cups of coffee for me to muster the strength to flip to this week's assigned problems. I stared at the equations and wondered how, just last week, I had derived enjoyment from completing the previous problem set. I clenched my jaw and stood to refill my mug.

" _You know, Mamo-chan, all that coffee just makes you grumpy."_

I nearly dropped my mug, suddenly frozen beside the chair. It was _her_ voice, clear as day, as crisp and radiant as a spring morning. Yet the chair across from me was empty. My mind was playing tricks on me again, of that I was certain, but what frightened me more was that I didn't mind one bit. I sat down, remembering with chilling accuracy when and where she had said those words.

" _You know, Mamo-chan, all that coffee just makes you grumpy." I merely took another sip._

_We were seated around my dinner table, every possible inch of the small space covered with books and papers. After Usagi had tearfully informed me of her less-than-stellar math test score, I had invited her over to my apartment to finish our new assignments together. The invitation was received with her usual show of exuberance, and she dutifully arrived at my doorstep after serving her detention (for arriving late to class, of course). As she had unloaded her books onto the table, I caught a glance of the cover of her favorite manga. At my look, she assured me that it was only for "short breaks." No brain, after all, should be subjected to such "torture" without some entertainment in between. We made quite a pair seated there with our open books, hers in basic algebra and mine in advanced calculus._

" _Any progress?" I asked when I saw her furiously erasing what she had spent the last fifteen minutes writing._

_She made a face. "Only nineteen more problems to go." She said the number as if it were an insurmountable obstacle, then eyed her manga longingly._

_I laughed. "That's not too horrible." I was almost half done myself. "Tell you what Usako. How about we make a deal?"  
She looked up suspiciously. "What kind of deal?"_

" _How about if we concentrate for the next hour and finish our work, we can go to the park afterward and watch the sunset?" I knew she loved watching the sunset, that beautifully tragic sight when sun slowly died over the horizon in all its fiery glory (though I doubt that this would be how she would describe it). During these moments, I enjoyed watching Usagi more, watching the awe that spread across her face._

" _You're the best, Mamo-chan!"_

_She attacked those algebra problems with renewed vigor, her manga completely forgotten. I gazed at her; I couldn't help myself. She radiated energy that was positively magnetic, and who was I to defy nature?_

" _Mamo-chan." Her voice carried a slight hint of annoyance._

" _Hai, Usako?"_

" _You're staring. How are you going to finish your work if you're looking at me instead of your paper? You better not be the one to break your own promise."She punctuated her speech by crossing her arms, the picture of determination._

_What could I say? When my Usako was serious, she meant business. Luckily for me, I was able to finish my work despite my brief lapse in concentration. When Usagi proudly presented me with her completed assignment, I rewarded her with a kiss. We packed our bags just as the sun began its descent._

I slammed my chemistry book shut and pushed it across the table as a single, ridiculous thought pervaded my consciousness.

I needed to know if Usagi Tsukino still lived.

It was crazy, I realized, given how Rei and I had confronted each other a mere day ago (had it really been just a day?). It would solve nothing, bring nothing but more screaming and tears. But I had to know. I just had to, because I didn't know what else I could do.

That was how I found myself holding the phone with the recently cracked spine once more, listening to the dial tone while fear threatened to rip me apart from within. Rei's number was saved in the machine; I only needed to press the redial button…

A moment later I was leaning over the bathroom sink, purging myself of this morning's coffee and last night's popcorn. I heaved until I couldn't anymore, then possessing only the strength to slide onto the tile floor. My eyes and throat burned as I again grasped the phone that sat innocently by the edge of the sink. At least now Rei wouldn't be forced to listen as I emptied out my insides.

The phone rang once, twice, three times. I calculated the time difference and silently cursed for calling so late. She was probably asleep.

"Moshi moshi," a tired voice answered just as I moved the receiver away from my ear.

I froze, driven to incoherence by the sound of her voice. She stayed silent, and a part of me hoped that she would hang up. Of course, Rei was too smart for that.

"Ma—Mamoru-san?" I wondered what gave me away.

"Hai…hai, it's me, Rei."

She paused, and I could hear her soft breathing as well as muffled chatter in the background. With my luck, I had called in the middle of a senshi meeting.

"I'm…" She was struggling with words, our previous conversation still fresh in both our minds. "I'm…surprised you called."

"Gomen," I apologized, "for calling at this hour. I just…"

'Just what?' I screamed at myself. 'Just wanted to check if Usagi's still alive?' It sounded so pathetic that I almost laughed. Thankfully Rei was merciful.

"She's still alive, if that's what you wanted to know," she whispered.

I closed my eyes and pictured Usagi's smiling face in front of me. That smile continued to live on for another day.

"Thank you, Rei," I managed to reply.

"She's alive, Mamoru-san, but she can barely stay conscious for more than ten minutes at a time, and the doctors…they say…" I heard the tears that prevented her from continuing.

"Mamoru-san, the doctors say that Usagi-chan only has a few days left, at best." I started at the sound of the new voice. It was more formal, more controlled, even while sadness plagued each word. I expected no less from Ami, from one future doctor to another.

"I appreciate it, Ami," I stated honestly, before I heard the phone switch hands again.

"Mamoru-san, she needs you," Rei pleaded. "Please, you can still make it back in time to see her, I know you can! Please…it's all she's ever wanted, to see you again."

My calling Rei was a mistake. It was all too much too soon; my past and my present were both crumbling beneath my feet as I helplessly surveyed the destruction around me.

"I'm so sorry Rei…please understand…" Please understand that I was too afraid to run back to something I had left, for going back would only confirm that I had made the wrong choice, that I had mistakenly attempted to rewrite destiny and get away with it.

"No, of course you can't." Her voice grew cold again. "Well, thank you for taking the time out of your perfect life to check if our princess is still breathing then. I'm sure Usagi-chan will take great comfort in that." She was mocking me, but I deserved no less. The thought that Usagi would learn of my call, however, left me trembling.

"No please Rei, don't tell Usagi I called. Please…"

She paused, considering my frantic plea. "I won't tell her because she doesn't need _that_ pain too. Don't think I'm doing you any favors. Believe me, the last thing I want to do right now is to make _your_ life easier."

"I understand," I replied quietly.

"Is there anything else? We're about to go to the hospital again."

I suppose normal visiting hours didn't apply to the senshi, especially when Ami's mother worked as a doctor there. It gave me some consolation knowing that Usagi was never alone during this time. She deserved to be surrounded by friends and family, those who cherished her.

"Just one more thing. I know I'm not in any position to ask anything more of you, but…" I trailed off, because even now the thought that Usagi would soon leave this earth seemed a laughable impossibility.

Rei read my mind yet again. "I'll let you know when it happens," she whispered. "Because no matter how much we may want to hurt you right now, _she_ still loves you."

The dial tone hummed in my ear once more. It took all my strength to rise from the bathroom floor and drag myself toward the sofa.

That was where Anna found me two hours later, awake but dreaming of a certain golden-haired angel. I must've looked like death warmed over, as Anna quickly dropped the soup on the table and fussed over me for a good fifteen minutes. She pressed a cold cloth to my forehead, took my temperature, covered me with blankets, and finally tried to spoon-feed me chicken noodle soup. I protested by showing her that I still possessed functioning limbs.

"Oh Mamoru, has anyone ever told you how _cute_ you look when you're sick?" She joked as I half-choked my way through the cooling soup.

"No one's had the pleasure before," I quipped back, and she patted my head like a caring mother.

"Aren't I lucky?" She surveyed the room and saw my empty coffee mug and textbook resting on the table. "Still studying? No wonder you look so miserable."

"I tried to, but then…" I stopped myself, unable to finish the thought.

"Let me guess," she supplied, "you suddenly felt the need to throw up all over the place? I caught a good whiff of it as soon as I walked in. Don't worry, your bathroom will be bleached clean in no time." She squeezed my arm and made her way to the bathroom.

"Thank you," I called to her.

I didn't deserve her like I didn't deserve Usagi, and now it was too late to change any of it.

Anna left me reluctantly a half hour later to join a study group at Mark's apartment. She had offered to stay with me, but I somehow managed to convince her otherwise. She promised to return later that night; she needed to make sure her "patient" was taken care of, after all. Alone again, I made my way toward my bedroom, craving the solace of the darkness. Once there, however, I replayed my call with the senshi over and over again in my mind, analyzing every word, every sigh. Were they still with Usagi now? Was she still…?

I looked instinctively toward my phone, but it wasn't in its stand. I sat up and half-jumped off my bed, ignoring the angry ringing in my ears. I had last seen it in the bathroom, but as I stumbled into the tiny space, the phone was nowhere to be found. Biting back the panic that shot through my veins like poison for the second time that day, I made my way down the hallway and saw the phone lying on the counter. Anna must've moved it from the bathroom when she was cleaning up my mess. Crushed by the weight of sudden relief, I clutched the phone and fell weakly to my knees. Rei hadn't called, which meant Usagi was still alive. I clung onto that thought like a lifeline.

"Mamoru?"

Anna returned shortly before midnight, bringing in a cool gust of winter air as she seated herself beside me on the bed. "Good, you're still awake. I was afraid I would wake you. Although," she frowned, "you probably should be asleep by now." She ran a quick hand through her blonde tresses. "Are you hungry or thirsty?"

"No."

"Mark wanted me to tell you he emailed you his notes for today," she continued lightly, and I simply nodded. She fell silent then, as if sensing what was to come. I let out a breath and took her hands in mine.

"Anna," I began, and immediately I saw fear dim her eyes. "I need to talk to you. I—"

She nodded her encouragement, and I struggled to find the words.

"A couple days ago, I received a call from an…old friend." The words sounded strange even as I spoke them. They didn't—couldn't possibly—capture what I wanted to tell Anna. What I needed to tell her. "This friend, Rei, gave me some…bad news." My voice cracked, and I looked away from those eyes that bore into me.

"What did Rei tell you?" she prodded gently.

I was doing it all wrong, telling the story backward. Before I told her about the accident, she had to know that a girl named Usagi Tsukino even existed. More than existed…she had largely been the reason for my existence as well.

I swallowed and squarely faced Anna. I owed her, and Usagi, at least this much.

"I need to tell you about Usagi Tsukino."

* * *

_Three more chapters to clean up and upload!_


	5. In the Dark Chapter 5

Title: In the Dark

Author: Lisa

Chapter: 5

Rating: PG

_Disclaimer: Sailor Moon and the others don't belong to me, but this story does._

* * *

"I need to tell you about Usagi Tsukino."

It was strange, perhaps…when I finally gathered the courage to utter Usagi's full name to Anna, I felt a rush of relief, as if a great secret that I had been harboring all these years was released alongside my breathless words. Anna blinked, racking her memory for any mention of that name. She was unsuccessful, of course, for I had once promised myself never to speak or think of that name again. Confusion clouded her eyes, followed by a trace of hurt. Anna was realizing all too painfully just how well she _didn't_ know me.

We sat there together, listening to the gusts of wind as they occasionally slammed against my bedroom window. Finally, Anna spoke, voicing the million thoughts that I was certain she had running through her mind with one pointed question.

"Who is Usagi Tsukino, Mamoru?"

It was a simple question without a simple answer, a question I had foolishly hoped would fade away if I ignored it long enough. Now it returned with full force, and I had no choice but to confront my past and the large portion that Usagi had occupied in it. But how could I explain to Anna what Usagi had been to me? Usagi was the embodiment of everything I had ever wanted: a friend, a family, a _purpose_ …and I had thrown back into her face all that she had so generously offered to me.

Overcome by a sudden, crippling sense of loss, I found myself taking the safe route yet again. "She was…a past girlfriend," I whispered, cringing at the near-slanderous words.

Anna looked away, and her next sentence was so muffled that I barely caught it.

"I thought you told me you hadn't really dated here before we met." I almost laughed at Anna's girlish jealousy before my conscience offered me a sobering reminder of my own guilt.

"Usagi and I were together in Japan, before I moved to America," I replied smoothly, dodging her implied accusation for the time being.

"How long were you together?"

"About a year," I said. Never mind our millennium-long romance that caused the destruction of a kingdom.

"Usagi…" Anna repeated the name cautiously, as if experimenting with the way it rolled off her tongue. "That means rabbit, right?" I was surprised at first before remembering that Anna had enrolled in the Japanese I class "on a whim" a year ago; she had quickly dropped it two weeks later, claiming that languages had never been her strong suit.

"Yes it does." I smiled gently, unable to help myself from recalling the nicknames I had given to Usagi. She had always hated Odango Atama, but Usako on the other hand... My mouth took on a life of its own then. "I called her Usako." I couldn't resist the bitter chuckle that gurgled from my throat. "It means my little rabbit…and she called me Mamo-chan."

I was so lost in memories that I barely registered the hurt that spread across Anna's face like a dark cloud shading the sunshine.

"Mamo-chan…" She pondered the endearment for a moment. "So when you told me that you weren't into pet names anymore…it's because of her, isn't it?"

My silence was her answer. Anna hugged her knees to her chest, drawing into herself like I was a stranger out to harm her…and in a way, I was just that.

"I'm sorry, Anna," I murmured, "I know this is a lot to take in. We don't have to talk about it anymore if you don't want to."

"No Mamoru." She reached forward and grabbed my arm with startling force. "Don't shut me out again." She paused, and I knew what her next question would be. "Why did you two break up? Did she—" I couldn't have her believe that Usagi had even a sliver of blame for any of this…all she ever did was to love me.

"I left her," I supplied abruptly, "right before I left Japan."

"Why?"

I was prepared for Anna to ask this one-word question, deceptive in its simplicity, which threatened to sweep my new life right out from under me. Yet I had no answer, for the reasons I had once given Usagi—and indeed deluded myself into believing—now seemed pathetically nonsensical.

"It was a long time ago, Anna," was my tired response.

She nodded and bit her lip before daring to venture into dangerous territory. "What—what did she look like?"

I released a breath. I was headed straight into a world of disaster, but nothing could stop me now.

"A lot like you, actually," I whispered honestly. "Golden hair, blue eyes, always smiling."

Anna turned away from me then, as if all the mystery that had surrounded me and our relationship suddenly came to light with stunning clarity.

"Anna…" I touched her shoulder but she shrugged off my hand.

Finally she faced me, and I saw traces of disgust in her eyes. The darkness within me cheered, reveling in the coldness of her stare.

"Why didn't you tell me any of this before?"

I moved off the bed and began pacing about the length of my room despite feeling that my legs would fail me at any given moment.

"Because I wanted a new start, a fresh start away from…Japan. I wanted to move on…to forget."

"And did you forget?"

I sighed. "I thought I did."

Anna stood from the bed as well and closed the distance between us, effectively stopping me in my tracks. She no longer looked at me with disdain; only sadness remained in her eyes, which was infinitely worse. I wanted her to hate me. It would've been so much easier take in her hatred, knowing that she would then be compelled to stay as far away from me as she could manage.

"Mamoru…why are you telling me all this now?"

"Because of Rei's call." We were finally to the point where Rei's call—the catalyst for my current unraveling—would finally make some sense to Anna. "Rei called to tell me that Usagi's been in a car accident and that she's d—" I was too much of a coward to say the word even now, too afraid to admit my hand in her tragedy. "They think she's not going to make it."

"Oh Mamoru." Anna probably wasn't expecting such news, and she fumbled awkwardly for an appropriate response. "I'm…really sorry." That Anna had to comfort me for Usagi's suffering left me wanting to vomit once more. But I was not done yet.

"Rei and Usagi's other friends want me to go back to Japan before...it happens."

Anna reeled back and began mimicking my former pacing.

"No, no, they can't expect that of you, right? Mamoru, you left. Look at all you have here! Why would they ask you to drop everything and…go back to her?"

Anna raised the exact arguments I had used to shield myself against Rei the morning she first called. It was only rational to expect that I could no longer involve myself in their world after four years—that my departure from Japan had been final and definite. The only problem, however, was that love knew nothing of logic, and as Anna stopped her frantic movements long enough to sear me with her gaze, she must've seen it etched across my face.

"What did you tell Rei?"

"I told her that I couldn't."

She released a breath, and I could see the tears beginning to pool in her eyes. "But now?"

"I don't know, Anna." I ran a quick hand through my mussed hair. "Honestly, I don't know."

In the dark, the hours passed as we lay next to each other on my bed, both wide awake and taunted by the silence that nursed our bitter thoughts. When the darkness first began to recede from my room, Anna rose wordlessly and grabbed her coat. Only the quiet click of the door signaled her departure. I stayed beneath the covers, and in my half-conscious state, I dreamed of _her_. But unlike before, I didn't see her smiles; instead the images blurred until all I could see was Usagi's face as it crumbled right before I walked away.

My phone must've rung three times before I registered the intrusive sound. I groaned and reached for the device. It was already halfway toward my face before I was struck with paralyzing force as to the possible significance of the call. Could it be…? I refused to follow my current train of thought to its tragic conclusion. After seven rings, I heard the familiar beep of my answering machine and felt my heart race with anticipation. I was too late, truly too late, and now my past had come ringing to collect on my grave mistake.

"Mamoru, it's Mark." Fate, it seemed, was not yet ready to deal me its final blow. I regained the ability to breathe and drew in several gulps of the cool air like a man dying of thirst who greedily gorged himself on water. "Anna called me this morning crying…something about a past love and a…little rabbit? I couldn't understand at all." I winced, not a bit surprised that Anna would turn to Mark for support after our conversation last night. I picked up the phone before Mark could continue his rampage.

"Hi Mark," I greeted quietly.

"Mamoru, did you hear what I just said? Anna called me."

"She did?" Helpful, Mamoru, really helpful. My evasive response further stirred Mark's anger.

"Look," he accused, "all I know is that it had something to do with you. If you did anything to hurt her…" His unspoken threat lingered heavily in the air.

"Mark," I finally broke the silence, "do you have some time right now?"

"Why?" He was guarded, and I understood all too clearly the reason why: anyone who hurt Anna was no friend of his. Mark had always been astoundingly easy to read.

"I could really use someone to talk to right now. It's about Anna," I added, knowing he would not refuse the meeting. It was ironic; days ago I would never have willingly sought out Mark or Anna to discuss my _feelings_. Now, I was desperate for an outlet for the utter chaos brewing inside me that demanded to be released.

He sighed. "Alright, but you better explain yourself. Meet me at that café you like in thirty minutes."

"See you then."

I had just enough time to make myself look presentable (or at least non-offensive). Inside my bathroom, I splashed icy water on my face until my fingers became numb. A quick glance at my reflection in the mirror revealed that insomnia was clearly winning in its battle against me. Not to be deterred, however, I quickly changed into a clean shirt and grabbed my winter coat. I didn't need Mark to be angry at me for being late on top of making the woman he loved cry.

Mark wasn't hard to spot as I entered the café. I slid into the seat across from him in the small booth, and he acknowledged my presence with a frown.

"Do you want some coffee before I start grilling you?"

I laughed slightly at Mark's generous offer. "No, I think I've had enough coffee to last me a lifetime already."

"That's a surprise," he muttered as he moodily stirred more sugar into his own cup of coffee. "So, start talking. And please try to make your version of the story at least somewhat coherent."

"Alright." I tried to rearrange the events in my mind, highlighting the facts that I knew Mark would be most interested in learning. "You know that before I came here, I lived in Japan for almost twenty years. I grew up there."

Mark nodded. "Anna mentioned that this involved a girl from Japan."

"Yes…I met this girl, Usagi, when I was eighteen. She was…" I paused, unable to capture in words how unique I had found Usagi to be—so different from all the other girls that I regularly went out of my way to avoid—even after our first encounter. "She was unlike anyone else I had ever known. And after several months of continuously being thrown together in…all kinds of situations…we began dating."

"Sounds like the perfect love story," he mused, more to himself than for me to hear, before he focused inquisitive brown eyes to my face. "So what happened?"

This was the portion of the story that I dreaded—the part where I had thought it wise to sever the strand of destiny which had bound me to Usagi.

"I left her," I replied, just like I told Anna the previous night.

"Why'd you leave, Mamoru? It seemed like you really cared about her."

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I loved her, Mark." Yet finally saying those words out loud only left me feeling emptier…my declaration now seemed worthless when, starting from the day I first turned my back to destiny, my actions so clearly spoke otherwise.

"It doesn't make any sense then. Why would you leave someone that you loved?"

Mark's blunt question hit me harder than if he had actually punched me, and I felt the air leave my body in a swift swoosh. "I left her because I loved her," I whispered at last, essentially turning Mark's words onto themselves. I had kept my reasoning secret for so long that, as the words dissolved in the air, I felt a surge of confusion. Somehow, those words didn't make as much sense now that I had finally said them as they had four years ago, when I was so _sure_ that leaving Usagi would be for the best. He stared at me, brown again blue, for a long time before answering with another pointed question.

"Haven't you ever considered that, by leaving, that would hurt Usagi more than anything that could've happened if you'd stayed and fought for her?"

"No, no, no," I denied immediately, not bothering to hide the desperation in my voice. "She was so young then, had so much potential. She could've replaced me in an instant."

Even as I insisted that Usagi could've easily forgotten me, I remembered Rei's tear-laced voice the first morning she called…how Usagi had not only _not_ forgotten me, but had forgotten herself instead. Was it possible that Usagi had needed me as much as I had needed her? The notion that I—that lonely orphan who no one wanted—could hold such lasting importance in Usagi's life had seemed absurd four years ago. But now…

"Let me get this straight." Mark's voice broke through my thoughts, and I struggled to focus on what he was saying. "You leave Usagi because you didn't think you could make her happy. But now you're with Anna."

"Yes," I replied, easily following Mark's logic and dreading where it would lead.

"That means either you now think you're "good enough" for Anna or—" He paused, obviously not liking the alternative. "Or you think Anna could never compare to Usagi. Which is it?"

If only our lives could be so black-and-white! I knew deep down that I should never have agreed to date Anna. Even if I had been successful in ridding my life of any last trace of Usagi, I had been woefully unprepared to open my heart to new light. Yet I had deluded myself into believing that this time, it would be different, that _I_ would be different

"It's not that simple, Mark," I responded tiredly, feeling the beginnings of a headache pulse in my temples.

"Believe what you like," he shot back. "But what you're doing now…this…stringing along two great girls…it's unfair to both of them. You need to make a choice, and you need to make it now."

Since when had Mark become the voice of reason? I nodded once before cradling my face within my hands to avoid his thinly-veiled anger.

"I think I've said all I wanted to say." He stood, and I suddenly found him directly in front of me. He sighed and placed a hand on my shoulder. "I hope you make the right choice."

"Thank you, Mark…for listening."

He had barely taken two steps before my mouth gained a life of its own.

"I know how you feel about Anna," I blurted out. I'd actually known for months.

He turned toward me, his eyes filled with a kind of defeated sadness. "She chose you, Mamoru. It's always been you…you were just too blind to see it."

He left without another word, because we both knew there was nothing I could say to justify my actions…to make it right. I was my own self-fulfilling prophecy, cursed to cause pain in everyone I touched because I couldn't bring myself to believe that I had anything better to offer.

Anna returned to my apartment shortly after six in the evening, to my surprise. Given our confrontation last night and her wordless departure this morning, I was almost certain that my apartment was the last place she wanted to be. Yet there she was by my door—just like old times—and I let her in with the barest of smiles. She seated herself at my dinner table as I made us two mugs of tea.

"I got some Chinese take-out…I figured you probably haven't eaten all day." She pushed the paper carton of noodles toward me, and my mouth instinctively watered. But somehow, I couldn't give Anna that satisfaction.

"I'm not hungry," I replied quickly. Just as I spoke, however, my stomach betrayed me by letting out a growl of startling intensity. We both laughed, and I pulled the food toward me gratefully.

We ate in silence until I couldn't take the façade of normalcy any longer.

"I met up with Mark today," I started, surprising myself with my casual tone.

Anna stopped chewing, then proceeded to stab a shrimp with her chopstick with deadly accuracy. "I'm going to kill him next time I see him," she muttered, her voice deepened by the discovery of Mark's disloyalty. "He promised he wouldn't say anything to you."

"He's worried about you." I couldn't say anything further.

"Serves me right for getting someone else involved in our business."

"No, Anna. Don't think that any of this is your fault." I squeezed her hand gently in friendly comfort, and she withdrew it as if I had burned her. "I'm sorry," I apologized immediately.

She wrapped her arms around her shoulders and let out a small laugh that froze me in my seat. "Don't…stop apologizing to me. Just answer me this, Mamoru. What's bothering you the most? Guilt?" She looked away, finally unable to ignore the heartbreakingly obvious truth that had shone in my eyes the night before. "Love…?"

I didn't answer…couldn't answer. But my silence again proved to be all the answer that Anna needed. She stood and headed for the door, and I made no move to stop her.

When Anna was already halfway out the door, I finally voiced the single thought that presently gnawed at my sanity, the one word that confirmed my greatest fear. "I left her, Anna…I left her, and now she's dying…" I uttered the words so softly that I doubted Anna had caught them.

She paused though, and even seated at the table, I could see the weariness in her eyes. "I can understand that Mamoru…but please understand _me_."

The half-eaten Chinese food lay discarded on the table, and in a fit of rage, I fell upon the helpless cartons and slammed them so hard into my trashcan that I knocked the entire bin over. Drained, I fell onto the floor beside my garbage as tears pricked the corners of my eyes. The tears were gone as swiftly as they had come, and I was left dried-eyed and alone once again, literally surrounded by my wasteland of a life.

Rei was right; Mark was right; everyone had been right except me. I still loved Usagi, had never stopped loving her, would never stop loving her. Yet that didn't stop me from remaining unfazed when I broke her that morning with those words that would now curse me for the rest of my existence.

" _Mamo-chan."_

_I stiffened in my seat on the park bench overlooking the lake, its gently rippling waters contrasting with the dark sea of turmoil that tossed within me. I had been ignoring Usagi's calls for over a week now; over two weeks had passed since we had really spoken to each other outside of youma battles. It didn't take much for Usagi to realize that something was wrong, and her muted behavior reflected her confusion. Instead of greeting me with one of her signature bone-crushing hugs, she seated herself demurely beside me. I looked over and watched as the ripples reflected in her sky-blue eyes._

" _You haven't—you haven't been returning my calls." Her sentence was more a question than an accusation._

" _I've been busy," I replied vaguely. She bit her bottom lip, a nervous habit, and fiddled with her hands. Finally Usagi couldn't take the silence any longer._

" _Was it something I did?"_ _  
_ _"Why would you think that?"_

" _What else could I think, since you've been ignoring me like the plague these past few weeks." Her bottom lip now trembled._

" _It's not you, it's—"I stopped myself. It's not you, it's me? That I was about to leave Usagi using the oldest line in the book had to be some kind of cruel irony. She caught my look and moved a finger's length away from me on the bench._

" _Then what is it, Mamo-chan?"_

_I decided then to give her the most direct answer I could manage; there was no use prolonging her agony. She needed a clean break, and I prepared myself to give her just that._

" _I'm leaving Japan. I've been accepted at a university in America, and I've decided to go. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity for me." I was trading a once in a lifetime career opportunity for a once in a lifetime love. It was fitting, perhaps, for someone like me._

_Usagi considered my words for a few minutes—the longest of my life—before raising hopeful eyes to my carefully blank gaze._

" _How long, Mamo-chan?"_

_Didn't she understand what I was saying? Why did she insist on delaying the inevitable? Every second more that I spent in her presence was a second too many that fiercely threatened my resolve._

" _Usagi…" I sighed, wanting nothing more than to take her into my arms and never let go. Yet I had to…I needed to be strong for both of us. I could see her muscles tense at my calling her Usagi, but she remained silent. She had been my "Usako" for so long that "Usagi" seemed foreign even to my ears. "I'm not coming back."_

" _No, Mamo-chan, no." She shook her head forcefully, and I dared a glance at her eyes. They were breathtakingly beautiful in that moment as they glistened with unshed tears. I could all but see through her transparent orbs straight into her very core, straight into the brightness which blinded me. "What about everything you promised me? What about our destiny?" She cried suddenly._

_I remembered too clearly each vow that I made to protect and defend her. But wasn't my leaving an affirmation of those promises? She deserved someone more open, more loving—someone who could love her without reservation as I never could. I couldn't bear the thought that Usagi would wake up one day resentful of my many faults. I wanted to change so badly for her. I yearned to bear open my soul and show her in both deed and word how grateful I was to have been hit squarely by that crumbled math test which she had thrown with careless precision._

_Yet each time she offered me words of love, I could not reciprocate. Every time she drew closer, I'd find some way to maintain the distance between us. We had our good moments, sure—I fed off those slices of perfection as greedily as a hungry child—but ultimately I was incapable of surrendering myself to her completely. I told myself that because I loved her, I would work until I could be her Mamoru, her protector, the prince she had always wanted. But no matter how hard I tried, love was the one subject that eluded my mastery of it._

" _Do you really want to be defined by our past? We're not the prince and princess anymore. You're Usagi, I'm Mamoru, and…" I faltered. "We just don't make sense. We have nothing in common, and…"_

" _But I can change that, Mamo-chan," she interjected quickly. She reached out to me, but pulled away right before she made contact, as if her touch would repulse me. I cringed inwardly. "I'll work hard until I can be someone you're proud to be with."_

_It destroyed me to see that Usagi blamed herself, like she was unworthy of me. That she could believe such falsehood planted a seed of doubt in my mind, and I wondered for a second if I was making the biggest mistake of my life. But it was too late to turn back now._

" _No, Usagi…" I began. I wanted to assure her that she wasn't the problem, but she startled me by closing her hands over her ears._

" _Stop calling me that, Mamo-chan! I'm your Usako…your Usako…"I had no response to Usagi's words, suddenly gripped by panic at the thought that this would quite possibly be the last time I laid eyes on her. I ran my eyes over her frame, desperately memorizing every detail, each strand of stray hair that curled around her neck._

" _Take care, Usagi."I didn't have the courage to touch her, as I was certain that would break whatever resolve remaining within me at that point._

" _I'll wait for you, Mamo-chan," she whispered in response, "until the day you realize that we complete each other. Until time itself loses all meaning, I'll be here…waiting for you." I looked into those eyes that held so much sincerity before delivering my final word to her, one last word to break her faith in me._

" _Don't."_

_The tears that she had struggled heroically to reign in finally released themselves from their prison as I turned away and forced myself never to look back._

My words to Anna again forced themselves into my thoughts, mocking my failure. "I left her, and now she's dying…now she's dying…" I don't know how I mustered the energy to drag myself into my bedroom, where I fell into the welcoming arms of the night. I lay there, repeating over and over those words that epitomized my failure.

As the first rays of sunlight touched my face, I felt white hot anger burn through me. I had nursed it over the years; now, the countless nights of self-anguish, torment, and repression finally unlocked themselves from their prison cell within my heart. I was angry at the world, at fate, but most of all at myself: angry that fate had robbed me of a normal childhood…angry that I had _let_ fate dictate my self-worth, had listened to those whispers that crept up to me at night, laughing at my attempts to escape the darkness of my past.

Tears pooled in my eyes and for the first time in over a decade, I cried. The tears tasted like saltwater, and I choked on them in the same way. Huge, gulping sobs plagued my body as grief took control, and I watched helplessly as it mercilessly toyed with me. I cried for love lost, for the pain that pierced my heart into shattered, irreparable remnants that bled steadily, mingling with the tears that endlessly pelted my cheeks.

Was this what dying felt like, this pain that slowly chewed away the battered remains of my soul? No, I realized in that second, physical death could never compare to this kind of silent agony. I was being tortured…punished, and I hadn't anyone to blame but myself. My personal fears cost not only my sole chance at happiness, but, most importantly, the life of my love as well. I had failed in protecting her…failed her. Oh, how I had failed her! I had thrown away her trust for my insecurities, foolishly rejected love for fear, for the disbelief that for once, I had something beautiful in my life. I ran a shaky hand through my mussed hair and released a shuddering breath. I knew then, with unparalleled clarity, what I needed to do. I needed to see Usagi and to hold her in my arms as I begged for forgiveness.

My trembling hands gripped the phone until it skated from my fingers and collided with the floor with a loud thump. I bent to pick it up, this time successfully grasping it. I looked down at the small white numbers dazedly, and as my fingers hovered nervously over the first digit, I became all too aware that nothing could be the same again after this moment.

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_We're nearing the end now!_


	6. In the Dark Chapter 6

_Title: In the Dark_

_Author: Lisa_

_Chapter: 6_

_Rating: PG_

_Disclaimer: Sailor Moon and the others don't belong to me, but this story does._

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I had scarcely dialed the first number before I heard the familiar creak of my front door. I knew who my visitor was even before she spoke, and I swallowed in dreadful anticipation before walking out into the hallway. The phone remained clutched in my hands.

"You know Mamoru, you really need to break this bad habit of leaving your door unlocked," Anna said jokingly as she entered, carrying with her two cups of coffee. That Anna could still make light of our current situation amazed me…but then again her seemingly unbreakable positivity was what had partially attracted me to her in the first place.

She froze, however, when she saw the phone that I gripped as if my very existence depended on it. She understood immediately, and her face fell so quickly that I hadn't time to avoid witnessing her devastation. She took a few hesitant steps toward me and set the cups on the table. I watched as two thin lines of steam rose from the cups, grasping at words that were forever escaping me, words that would set Anna free from our torture chamber of a relationship.

"Are you leaving?"

Her voice revealed her heartbreak. The question was simple enough; in the past few days, Anna had become an expert at asking simple questions that were near impossible for me to answer. She watched me closely, searching my face for any sign of doubt or hesitation. Her marvelously blue eyes were imploring as she gazed deeply into my own withdrawn eyes, just as she had the night we first began dating. Then, as now, she seemed to be searching for the passageway into my soul. But now, like then, she didn't find what she was looking for. She couldn't possibly have. Usagi was the one person who could see through my façade, and I loved her for that.

I continued to stare at Anna, watching weakly as tears gradually welled in her eyes. What had happened to the woman I'd known for so long, who I admired greatly? How many hearts must I break in one lifetime? Gone was the headstrong woman, my dear friend. What replaced her filled me with horror: a frail, fragile girl…a china doll, easily shattered beyond repair.

A seeming lifetime passed before I spoke. I feigned a smile that didn't reach my eyes, which only served to make mockery of her pain. At seeing my halfhearted attempt at a smile, tears began running steadily down her pale cheeks, leaving salty trails in their wake. I gently wiped a tear from Anna's chin and looked at my now wet fingertip. Hardly an hour ago was I in her position, with tears streaming endlessly from my own bloodshot eyes.

"Not forever," was my hoarse reply. "There's something I need to do…" I swallowed quickly and broke our gaze as I dialed another number. The room suddenly felt too warm. "Something I need to make right." My words weren't entirely true. Even with my return to Japan, I couldn't make things right again. The best I had to offer Usagi now was closure, some remnant of peace that could not even begin to repair the damage I had wrought.

"You know what I mean," Anna said, then tentatively took another step closer, as if I would flee if she moved any faster. But there would be no more running for me. Not now, not ever. "Please, Mamoru…"

"Nothing I say will make this easy…will it? I'm so sorry, Anna…"

"Then don't." More fat tears spilled from her swollen eyes. "I know what I want. For years now, I've been searching for that one man out there who'd sweep me off my feet, just like in those timeless fairytales." She laughed briefly. "I'd always imagined that I was a princess waiting for my prince. And when he finally came…I'd fall madly in love. And I did." She reached up and cupped the right side of my face with her palm, and I shivered at her touch. "You know what that feels like, Mamoru? That kind of passion? That kind of wanting?" When I didn't speak, she persisted, her voice reaching a desperate pitch. "Do you?"

I nodded. "I do." The words escaped in a breathless whisper, an affirmation of everything I had once felt yet had been too afraid to feel. Anna let out a choked sob in response, knowing that I was referring to Usagi. She could no longer remain blind to my feelings for Usagi just as I could no longer hide them within the dark recesses of my heart.

"Ever since Rei called…ever since I learned of your past with Usagi…I've been trying so hard to understand. So hard… I respect that you shared something with her we could never replace. And I wouldn't ever try to take that away from you. She was your first love, and that's something very special. But…that doesn't mean we can't have a future together! I…I want you. Only you. Even…even if you can't return my feelings completely." She continued hurriedly, as if she might explode if the words were not released. "I—I can live with that, as long as you stay with me. Please, tell me you'll stay!" She took hold of my hand and squeezed it hard. I fought the urge to wince as sharp pain shot through my fingers. "Please!"

"No," I murmured. Now it was my turn to cup her face in my hands. I felt her warm skin beneath my palms, which gave me the strength to continue. "You deserve so much better than that. You deserve someone…" Why was this so hard? I wanted to tell her that she deserved the world…that she deserved to be loved by someone who was truly in love with her. "You deserve your prince," I concluded lamely.

"But Mamoru…you are my prince."

Her confession filled me with emptiness. I looked at her long and hard and wondered…maybe, if Usagi'd never flung that paper ball onto my unsuspecting head…would I have been able to fall in love with Anna? Did it matter? My mind was now filled with Usagi, had always been filled with Usagi, and I refused to be swallowed by plaguing thoughts of what if.

"And Usagi is my princess."

"But like you said, Mamoru, she's dying! She could already be dead! What then? Tell me, will you never love again?"

I froze, feeling tears pool in my eyes at the mere notion of losing my beloved. She couldn't be…Rei would've told me if she…Rei would've told me…

"Usagi…she's everywhere," I whispered finally. "When I sleep, she's in my dreams. When I'm awake, she haunts my thoughts. I can't escape…I tried to…" A hollow laugh reached my ears, one I hardly recognized as my own. "I foolishly tried to forget she ever existed, to banish her from my memory. All because she accepted me for who I was. Just Mamoru…and she never asked for anything more. I was afraid that I wouldn't be enough. She was so beautiful and bright and loving, and I was her polar opposite. I was so sure that one day she'd wake up and hate herself for loving me. So I ran…I didn't know what else to do. And I thought I could forget. Now I finally understand…I don't want to, Anna. I don't want to forget. I don't want to run from love any longer. She's my soul mate." Never have those words rung more true in my ears.

Anna sighed shakily, and her shoulders sagged in defeat. "I see," she said tightly, before turning away.

I hated for us to end like this. For so many nights, we'd chat—on the phone, in her apartment, in my own—about nothing and everything all at once. Random topics as well as serious debates filled those long hours. I loved to hear her opinion on everything, and she listened to my thoughts with equal interest. Yet even then…even then I couldn't open my heart to her. Our conversations ranged from schoolwork, to politics, to her deepest fears and secrets, but not once did I share with her anything as personal as I have these past couple of days. I had only shown Anna what I had wanted her to see, a barren shell of a person that at best partially resembled my true self. It wasn't that I didn't trust her. I just couldn't. Anna never pushed me, just nodded and smiled…a paragon of understanding.

Suddenly overwhelmed with memories of all those late nights, I grabbed her hand. She withdrew it sharply, and I grimaced as Mark's words suddenly rang in my ears. "You need to make a choice," he had said. I had chosen Usagi—and had I been truly honest with myself, there wasn't much of a choice in the matter—but the thought of losing Anna was painful nonetheless. Even if I could never be in love with her, she was my best friend here.

"Anna, I don't want to lose our friendship…"

It was completely and undeniably selfish, I realized, and I was disgusted with myself for even raising such a request. I had no right to ask her for her continued friendship after what I'd done. But for someone who could count the number of true friends on one hand, I wasn't ready to say goodbye just yet.

"Mamoru…" She shook her head as if to chastise my naivety. Certainly things could not go back to the way they were before we deepened our friendship into a relationship. "You can't ask that of me, not after…"

"I know," I sighed. It seemed that every beautiful thing I once had in my life was now floating away from me, and I was left desperately—yet futilely—grasping at the strings that would keep them from drifting past my reach.

Anna hugged me suddenly. I at first started with surprise before relaxing into the embrace, caught in the familiar scent of her golden hair, of vanilla and the springtime. She ended it by stepping away, her head bowed. What had she to be ashamed for? It was I who deserved the blame, I who had been careless and cruel. She then met my eyes unexpectedly and leaned forward, faster than I'd ever seen her move. I evaded her lips at the last possible second.

"Mamoru…just give me this. I've lost everything… Please don't deny me one last kiss."

I couldn't kiss Anna then, as I had in the past. I closed my eyes, and Usagi's joyful face appeared behind my eyelids. I couldn't bear to betray Usagi again. I settled with brushing my lips lightly against Anna's cheek, more a feathery touch than a kiss.

"I'm sorry. It's just…"

She pressed a finger to my lips and effectively ended my uncomfortable rambling. I was drawn to her eyes, and my hands reached up to stroke her soft tresses. She squeezed her eyes shut and shuddered beneath my touch.

"Good luck, Mamoru."

"Thank you." I wanted to say more. I wanted to thank her for showing me the goodness in this world…for making my years in America bearable. But I decided to spare her the pain, for telling her that now would only twist the knife more deeply into her heart.

I looked away and began dialing the numbers to book a last-minute ticket to Japan with now steady fingers. Such was my determination that I hardly noticed her poignant smile at the doorway, nor her whispered "goodbye" before she softly closed the door behind her, walking out of my life forever.

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_Final chapter coming soon!_


	7. In the Dark Chapter 7

_Title: In the Dark_

_Author: Lisa_

_Chapter: 7_

_Rating: PG_

_Author's Notes:_

_Here's the last chapter! "In the Dark" has been the story I've always been proudest of, and I'm glad that I got to share it with you!_

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I stared at her motionless form lying mere feet away. There she was finally, her familiar frame so close that just two steps would bring me to her side. I couldn't begin to describe the emotions that swept through me in that moment—grief, joy, anger, fear—all were present and jumbled in a confusing medley that stunned me. Simply watching the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest affected me so violently that I wondered how I'd ever possessed the strength to leave in the first place. I drew in a breath and noticed absentmindedly that my hands were shaking uncontrollably, my palms made sleek by a fine sheen of sweat.

Awash with anticipation, I ignored the sinking feeling in my gut and took one hesitant step toward her bed. Her face was clearly visible now. Dark, angry bruises, in various shades of purple and green, contrasted with her hopelessly pale skin. It resembled that of too-thin paper—almost translucent—a far cry from the rosy tinge that'd colored my fondest memories. She looked so frail and…lifeless. My stomach churned at the sight and, combined with the strong smell of medicine that burned my nostrils, left me wanting to purge myself of the acid brewing within me. A sob formed in my throat but instead came out as a garbled choking sound that was soon swallowed by the room's sterile walls. Still I summoned my remaining shards of courage and took the final step before sinking heavily into the visitor's chair beside her.

Usagi's face, though marred with countless lacerations, was still as beautiful as I'd recalled. No, more even. Nothing could take away her unearthly beauty. I stroked Usagi's hair, and it slid easily through my fingers like strands of golden silk. Leaning closer to her face, I caught an intoxicating whiff of vanilla and Usagi's own distinct scent. Her eyes remained closed, her face slack. I brushed a feather-light kiss to her blond locks, then traced the outline of her face with a fingertip, careful to dodge the wounds there. She continued to sleep but reflexively leaned into my touch. Something wet hit the blankets, and I realized dazedly that it was my own teardrop.

I couldn't stay anymore…maybe I never should've come back. I gritted my teeth as the doubts began clouding my mind once more, screaming taunts made deafening by the silence in the room. I stood and resolved to come back later, as I was useless to her in my present state. With one last lingering look at her sleeping face, I turned to leave.

"I knew you'd come."

I froze mid-step, feeling fresh tears spring anew at the sound of her voice. Her words were a dry whisper, and for a second I wondered if I'd imagined them. My mind, after all, had long since gained a mind of its own.

I faced her at last, almost collapsing with relief at seeing her eyes fixed on me. She was really here and awake; no longer need I resort to fantasy to get my fix of Usagi. It was then that I noticed the machines beside her and the long, fat tubes inserted into her arms.

"Usagi…." Overcome by the million words between us left unsaid, I found myself by her side and grasping one of her hands in an instant. It fit perfectly into my larger ones, just as I had remembered. I held it to my face, and she caressed my cheek gently.

"It took me forever to get here," I managed to choke out. I was surprised that I could still form words at that point.

"An eternity," she agreed, and the barest trace of a smile lifted the corners of her mouth. "But I knew you'd find your way back to me…somehow. Too bad it had to be under these circumstances, ne?" She laughed lightly, and I didn't dare respond. Her lips, which I had once compared to a rosebud, were now thin and chapped. But her eyes frightened me the most. More than ever I wanted to see them sparkle with life again.

"Usagi," I whispered, "I'm so sorry. So sorry…"

The tears ran endlessly now, pouring from my eyes as four years of loneliness burst from my body. I shook from the intensity of my sobs. Usagi watched with understanding eyes but didn't speak. I wanted her to say something. Anything. Did she hate me, as I hated myself? Her face was so calm…

"Mamo-chan…" That one word left me incapable of speech. Only she had that sort of mesmerizing effect on me. I watched transfixed as she took my right hand and left lingering kisses on each finger.

"Forgive me." My voice came out as no more than a squeak when I finally regained the ability to speak. "Forgive me," I pleaded again, because even if I could never forgive myself, I selfishly craved her forgiveness, desperately hungered for her mercy.

"I forgave you a long time ago," she murmured back before offering me a sad smile.

I lifted my head in astonishment as guilt constricted my heart painfully. "How could you have?"

Her eyes dropped from my face, and she sighed. "Why does anyone forgive another? When you left, I felt…lost. I wondered…I wondered what part of me was so repulsing, to push you away like that. Was I too brainless, childish, selfish, ugly? Did I….did I not make you happy? Countless nights I lay awake in bed, crying your name to an empty room. But…I never stopped loving you. I never stopped waiting for you. Never."

A tear trailed down her cheek. I kissed it off, treasuring its saltiness as it dissolved on my tongue.

"I regret it so much," I said. How I regretted it! There in that room, watching as Usagi withered before me like a rose picked before the height of its bloom, I realized the true extent of my mistakes. She was both my salvation and my punishment. "If I could take it back, I would. I'd do anything to take it back. If I could change that morning…"

"No, Mamo-chan," she replied simply. "We shouldn't live in the past."

"The past…" A heavy silence passed, and I couldn't take it. "How could you still love me?" I shouted. I had no right to scream at her, to unleash the self-anger that threatened to rip me in half. But I didn't know what else to do. "It's because of me that you're like this. I should've been there when you…but instead I left you." I faced her, desperate to look into her infinitely compassionate eyes. "You should've forgotten me."

"Love isn't that easy to forget, Mamo-chan."

"Stop it!" I cried helplessly. Each time she addressed me by that endearment, I was forcefully reminded of my weakness in the face of her unshakable strength. "I—I'm not your Mamo-chan anymore! I don't deserve to be called that."

"You do," she replied, "and so much more." As I prepared to refute her words, Usagi suddenly went into a coughing fit. I watched as violent coughs racked her body. They settled after a while, and I gazed in horror as a stream of blood trailed down her lips and landed on the blankets beneath her.

"Usagi, you…" The world was spinning, and all I could see was the blood that ran down her mouth like a crimson waterfall. She wiped the trail easily like it was an everyday occurrence then closed her eyes, as if now lacking the strength to keep them open.

"Mamo-chan…." I wanted Usagi to open her eyes again. I needed her to.

"Please hold on," I chanted frantically, as if my words could magically revive her. If this were a fairytale, my love would've been enough to bar the inevitable force that pulled Usagi away from me. But in fairytales, I suppose, the prince would've never been foolish enough to leave his princess in the first place. "Please hold on. Please, please, please..."

"Mamo-chan," she repeated. Her voice was growing ever fainter. I swallowed the huge lump that had formed in my throat and jumped up, driven to action by a desperate frenzy.

"I…I need to find a doctor," I said, "he'll make you better."

"No," she replied, "there's nothing he can do now…come here." I obeyed because there was nothing that I could refuse her now.

"Why…why won't you call me Usako again?" I had to strain to hear her voice. Because I don't deserve to, I wanted to scream. Because I can't lose you now that I have you beside me again. Because now, more than ever… I remained silent.

Usagi opened her eyes again with much difficulty, and I stifled a cry. They were empty, a vast sky of unseeing blue…frightening in its infiniteness. I leaned down and scooped her body into my arms. She was so small and feathery light, and I feared that she might crumble beneath my embrace.

"Mamo-chan…please…I want to hear…"

"Usako," I breathed. She smiled even as her body began shaking. I squeezed her gently, willing warmth into her broken frame.

"I…I need you…to promise…"

"Anything," I vowed.

"Love again, Mamo-chan…be happy. All I want…is…is for you to…be happy. You deserve happiness, even if…even if you never believed that you did." Each word was a struggle for her now as I sobbed openly into her hair.

"Usako…you are my happiness. You've always been my happiness. I was a fool to think that'd ever change. I was such a fool..." She shook her head, defiant to the end. My Usako would never go down without a fight.

"Mamo-chan…promise…"

I nodded once, unable to verbalize my consent, but she seemed satisfied with my unspoken affirmation. Her eyes fluttered closed.

"Kiss me," she whispered. "One last time…I…I want to…feel your lips…on mine. Just once more."

I nodded again even though she couldn't see. I couldn't kiss Anna before I left because I'd never been in love with her. Yet this woman…

I leaned down and touched my lips to hers gently. Usagi returned it weakly with the last ounce of strength remaining in her body. Her quivering hands touched the hairs at my neck, and I shivered. I never wanted the kiss to end. It felt…heavenly, like pure nectar. When my lungs began hungering for air, I broke apart unwillingly. Our lips hovered mere inches from each other, trembling from the passion that needed not words to express.

"Mamo-chan," she gasped, "I…love—"

"I know." I kissed her forehead. "Aishiteru Usako. Always."

A look of peace flashed across Usagi's face. She sighed, and her head lulled against my shoulder.

I must have sat there for hours, or perhaps only minutes, clutching her lifeless body close to my chest. Time meant nothing to me now. I crushed her tiny frame to me, as if willing her, by some wondrous miracle, to come back to life. If she did, I swore over and over to the heavens that I would never even considerleaving her again. I would be faithful and attentive to her every need and desire. I would pledge myself with all my imperfections to this creature and spend the rest of my life making myself worthy of her love. I sat there, awaiting the miracle that wouldn't come, knowing that Usagi deserved it more than anyone else in this world. She was the last person who deserved to die. _I_ was the one who should've died.

I still had so many things I wanted to tell her. I wanted to share with her those years in America, where I had mistook success for happiness. I wanted to hear her infectious laughter and to breathe in her tantalizing scent. She now reeked of sterility, a nauseating smell that adulterated her natural fragrance. I wished for nothing more than to feel her warm breath against my neck, her fingers wrapped around me, to feel…something…anything.

I couldn't cry. The tears had dried as soon as Usagi exhaled her last breath because I was undeserving of them. But there was another reason. I refused to grieve outright, as then…then she would be truly gone. I drew in a breath of the putrid air, nearly gagging at the overwhelming decay of it all, and peered at her face. Her eyes would never reopen and captivate me with their playful gaze. This…this…body was not my Usako. She had already floated away from my desperate grasp to a higher plane of existence devoid of pain and loss, while I was condemned to live out the rest of my days aching for her presence.

What would've happened if I had never left her? Would Usagi not have been on the street that cursed night? Would I…would I have been able to save her? I wanted to laugh, to scream, to bash my head against the wall until I bled for my idiocy. Just as Usagi had. I touched the dry trail of blood on her chin with a trembling finger.

The room suddenly grew unbearably cold, as if someone had opened the window and allowed the fierce winter wind to bombard the room. And Usagi…Usagi was affected by this drastic change in temperature. She too began to grow cold to my touch. I stifled the cry that rose in my throat—an instinctive, animalistic call of anguish of a creature that had lost its mate. I hadn't the strength left to shout.

Behind me, I heard the gasps as the senshi crowded around their departed leader and beloved friend. I saw Usagi's family and the indescribable grief etched on their faces. To them, Usagi had been their caring friend, their competent leader, their devoted daughter and sister. Their agonizing cries, I thought, would allow me to feel something other than this…this emptiness that suffocated me. But their tears couldn't elicit any of my own.

The cold was too much to bear. I stood, unable to rip my gaze from her remarkably beautiful face. So serene, even in death…my angel. One of my hands found hers as the other traced her closed eyes, her long eyelashes, her lips, her button nose, committing to memory each delicate feature with frantic accuracy. The girls' sobs had subsided, but silent tears continued to run down their cheeks, endless rivers of grief to honor their leader. I didn't belong here. Rei, Ami, Minako, Makoto…they'd been with Usagi. They'd seen her triumphs, her failures, her smiles, her frowns. Yet I...I had left her when she needed me the most. My hands balled into tight fists. I didn't deserve to mourn beside them.

Minako was the first to break the silence.

"Mamoru-san…" She trailed off, unable to voice words of comfort when she was drowning in her own inconsolable sorrow. "I…I'm…" I raised a hand to stop her.

"I should be the only one apologizing here," I whispered harshly.

She nodded hesitantly. "She loved you, you know…right until her last breath. She was holding on for you." She _loved_ me…referring to my love in the past tense was too much for me. "Your return meant the world to her. Look, she's smiling." Her voice cracked. "She's finally found peace…"

Minako paused, perhaps waiting for some input on my part, some reassurance that her words weren't falling on deaf ears. I heard her, but they sounded like gibberish. She sighed and rested a small hand on my shoulder, sending a jolt of warmth through me. Minako reminded me of Usagi's touch, and I gritted my teeth as memories of warm caresses racked my brain.

"I—I was too late," I choked out. "I—it was my destiny to save her, don't you see? It was my _destiny_! And I…I failed. Now the future…" My world began collapsing in onto itself as I considered the consequences with silent horror.

"Mamoru-san…"

"I…I have to go," I managed finally, still unable to tear my eyes from the woman before me. Usagi looked like she was sleeping...

With one last glance, I looked away. The spell was broken, and reality hit me with such sheer force that I found it literally impossible to breathe. "I have to go," I repeated like a disjointed mantra, "I have to go…"

Go where? I asked myself, even as I chanted the words yet another time. I had nowhere to go, no place to call home anymore. Usagi had been my home, but where was I to find her now? I could travel the world over and never find home again. I was stupid, so incredibly stupid to think home could've been somewhere else, with someone else. I turned, and my eyes caught Minako's bloodshot orbs unexpectedly. She looked as if she hadn't slept for days, which I suspected was the case. Had I come earlier instead of fighting a useless battle against myself, I would've also stayed glued to Usagi's side. Thanks to my foolishness, however, I was only granted a few precious moments with her. As our eyes clashed, Minako drew in a sharp breath. I gave everyone a respectful nod and mechanically walked out the door. I didn't dare to look back at my beloved. If I had, I knew I could never leave. As I increased my strides down the narrow hallway, my ears caught the beginning of Minako's breathless words.

"His eyes…"

By then I was too far away, too tired, and too apathetic to register anything else she had said.

I wandered aimlessly down the crowded streets, detached from the bustling commerce that characterized my hometown. People rushed by me, moving swiftly as they tried to outrun time. I, on the other hand, simply ambled along. Schedules, deadlines…what need did I have for those worthless concepts? We'd all die in the end—the good, the evil, the beautiful, the ugly—and but for a select few, no one would remember the significance of our lives. Usagi...my Usako…how many times had she saved this cruel world? Now she was gone, yet no one knew…no one cared that their heroine no longer lived.

I passed the arcade, and a collage of memories again assaulted my brain. Those seemingly insignificant encounters now held immeasurable worth: Usagi and her video game obsession, the way her face burned red with anger when she lost, her radiance at being treated to a triple chocolate milkshake.

And Motoki, my best friend. I spied Motoki with his familiar mop of dusty blond hair and green eyes. I was drawn to the entrance of the arcade yet refused to move from my place on the sidewalk. By sheer coincidence or perhaps fate (was there even a difference?), Motoki looked outside the window, right into my withdrawn gaze. Our eyes locked for a few seconds before I broke eye contact, just long enough to see his eyes bulge in disbelieving recognition. Unable to face him, I departed swiftly. Perhaps Motoki would think I was the product of his overworked imagination.

I wandered until the throngs of civilians gradually thinned out and the streets emptied. The sky grew increasingly darker until the last traces of sunlight vanished, causing the world to be bathed in a ruthless shade of black.

There was no moon tonight.

Having nowhere else to stay, I checked myself into the first rundown hotel I could find. The receptionist, a kindly woman in the autumn of her years, smiled as I shoved a wad of money into her hand, more than enough to pay for a night's stay. The meager amount had been a considerable chunk of my life savings back when…back when I had dreamed of a future with Usagi. My heart throbbed, but my expression gave nothing away as I turned from the counter.

"Sir, wait!" She called after me, grabbing onto my wrist. The contact sent a shock of electricity into my beaten system. I gasped and suppressed the urge to pull away so as not to scare the poor woman. "Maybe you're mistaken, but this is too much for one night. Unless you're planning to stay longer…" She trailed off when she peered into my eyes, as Minako had in the hospital. I looked away.

"Keep it," I said, "it's worthless to me now."

I expected her to react in the same manner: with no small touch of fear. She surprised me, however, by wordlessly handing me the key, and I began to walk away in search of my room. Her next words caused me to freeze.

"Death is never easy…is it?" I slowly faced her to find a sympathetic smile playing lightly on her lips, which softened the harsh lines that ran across her time-worn features. "You lost a loved one today." It wasn't a question.

I nodded almost imperceptibly. "Hai."

"I know it seems as if the world has ended…but better times will come. Allow time to heal your pain. Someday you'll move on and begin a new life."

"No," I murmured, so softly that I doubted she heard me, "I tried that already. Turns out she _was_ my life." Maybe she had, because she had nothing more to say as I exited the lobby.

The inside of the room was mundanely furnished. The place screamed of desolation and abandonment—a perfect match. The impact of the hours I had spent walking about aimlessly finally sank in, and I felt a heavy weariness seep into my bones. The full-sized bed seemed inviting; I approached it cautiously and lay down on the hard mattress.

This day had already become a blur in my mind, and part of me childishly wished that it had simply been a nightmare. If it were, then I would soon awake from my subconscious' cruel joke, and Usagi would be in perfect health. We'd have a second chance, and I'd repay the million tears she had shed in my absence with loving kisses… I could delude myself, but that wouldn't return Usagi to my side. Had she really died today? It seemed a thousand times that long. How was I to spend the remaining years of my living death without her, if a single day lasted an eternity?

In that moment, I made the connection. My family…Usako…both had been taken from me by car crashes. I was present at one, should've been present at the other, but now I suppose it made no difference. Destiny had the final laugh in concocting the perfect form of torture for me. I would've laughed at the utter irony—the injustice of it all—had I not lost the ability to make such a sound.

I suddenly felt very small, very cold…just like I had over a decade ago, that night, as I lay shivering in the paper-thin hospital gown, memory-less…family-less. I felt it, as I had then, of the darkness that slowly gnawed away my defenses. Then I was able to fight it off, driven by an inexplicable purpose that now couldn't have been clearer. I had been given a second chance to live because of _her_.She had been the sole beacon of light that kept me from falling prisoner to the darkness that unceasingly sought to possess my soul. Now that light had been prematurely extinguished, and I had neither strength nor reason left for battle.

The light from the lamp grew brighter and brighter until it blinded me. I squeezed my eyes shut, temporarily overwhelmed. Then an inexplicable rush of adrenaline flowed into my veins. I stood and, with a scream of unchecked rage, fell ruthlessly upon the lamp with its cursed brightness and hurled it against the unsuspecting wall. A deafening crash echoed about the suddenly claustrophobic confines of the room.

A blanket of night engulfed my world instantly. I lay down again and drew in breath after breath of the stale air, willing my heartbeat to slow to its normal tempo. I couldn't see; my vision was obscured to the point where I had difficulty distinguishing my own hands resting on the bed. It was then—in that infinitely lonely darkness—that I saw a tiny flicker of light and heard an almost indiscernible laugh of a departed angel.

Or perhaps I was descending into madness.

I lifted my head nonetheless. "Usako?" The raging silence answered me. She wasn't here. She would never be here, with me, again. I fell back against the pillows, and the tears that had escaped me at the hospital finally came, drowning waves of salt that dragged me into oblivion. "Usako…"

After so many years, I succumbed to the darkness, allowing it to swallow me completely.

* * *

_Finished!_


End file.
